When there’s life there should be a Will, a way and a frank talk

Let’s face it: we won't last forever unless we go into cryopreservation or animated suspension, where our cells are frozen in time like a giant slab of meat—expiration date to be determined.

Once we’re stored away tightly, mum’s the word. We will be unable to share important information with our loved ones about our financial assets and other stuff such as whether we prefer to be resuscitated or have the plug pulled and when, be in an urn or casket, be buried next to our bf in some bucolic setting, in a mausoleum or perched on some fancy mantle, and who will cater the shiva or celebration of life gathering. 

While you’re a living, breathing person, take time to care for something we all would prefer to postpone. Dealing with our mortality is tough. Here are the reasons why it’s important:

·       Having a will or trust is crucial—regardless of your age or income

·       What happens when you pass away without a plan

·       What key documents should you have in place in case of illness and incapacity

·       Ways to avoid probate court and minimize costs and delays

·       How to make sure your heirs/children/pets are cared for by the people you choose

These are critical issues that you will have no control over once you’re gone. Ignoring them means some anonymous judge or lawyer will decide what happens. Now is the time to make and share some serious decisions with your spouse or partner, grown children or other heirs, be they nieces and nephews, dear friends, your college’s development office or the local ASPCA if you’re an animal lover.

Why sooner than later? Life can change in a flash. Here’s an all-too-true story. It was a beautiful spring afternoon when Eileen got a call from the police in her community.  "I have bad news," the officer said. "Your husband had a stroke on the golf course. We've taken him to the nearest hospital. Why don't you meet us there?" Unfortunately, he died a week later.

Eileen and her husband had been married 45 years. He was the chief financial officer and household manager for their family. He invested, managed finances, wrote checks, met with the plumber and electrician, insurance agent and accountant. He negotiated the buying and selling of their cars and homes. All the passwords to access most of the information were on his computer.

Maybe your spouse or partner has a protracted illness. Plenty of time to plan for end of life, you think. You have no idea what assets you own and where they are kept. You ask your spouse to show you everything, just in case. He shoos you away. "Not now, honey." Message: I'm not going to die (yet) and there is plenty of time to have these discussions." But when your spouse dies, you're in a pickle, a very sour one, probably at the lowest point in your life.

Here's another typical scenario shared with us in an email, but abridged. A friend's daughter-in-law, who was executor of her parents' estate, was amid an awful family situation after her father died. Here's what our friend wrote about her daughter-in-law's family:

"Her father had cancer for about a year and was reluctant to divulge anything about his finances. Suddenly, his health tanked, and he was put in hospice and on morphine for excruciating pain. My daughter-in-law was scrambling valiantly to get her dad's affairs in order before he died, since he hadn't done it himself. They practically had to force the financial information out of him. He died before that all happened, so she has a real mess and discovered that he didn't have as many assets as expected."

In this situation, many women/children/heirs find themselves cut short because of a lack of proper planning. This seems to be changing as younger individuals and couples do a better job of being open to these talks and listening to what to do since they know intellectually, even if not emotionally, that their parents won’t be around forever.

The moral to these tales is to plan and have the tough financial, end-of-life death discussions while everyone is healthy and can make smart shared decisions, despite concerns about ceding all or some control, talking about money and feeling uncomfortable.

For a smooth transition, consider the following steps:

Hire a trust and estates attorney. Draft a will or a trust that has a will component. Also, in the will, or in a separate personal property memorandum/list, specifically designate who gets what re: jewelry, antiques, art, wine, collections (maybe stamps or baseball cards) and more. “I leave my diamond wedding band to…” “My Chihuly glass pieces go to…”. Spelling this out will avoid family brawls and possible lawsuits down the line. Having the trust and a will also avoids going through probate court. Probate court means your personal information will go public, which can have disastrous effects. Be sure to list end-of-life choices—heroic measures to save you or pull the plug, casket or urn, cemetery or shelf? Someone else will be handling this, not you, so state your desires NOW or forever be silent!

Be sure you and your spouse, if you have one, agree on who inherits what, and if you are in a long-term partnership, know the contents of each other's wills, too, so you're not surprised when the will is read. Update a will every few years since situations may change. If you care who gets what in terms of art, jewelry, furnishings, funds, spell it out in detail rather than assume others know what you’re thinking. 

List all your key financial and related numbers in one place: bank and investment accounts,  passcode numbers, Social Security numbers, etc.

Make sure you have beneficiaries named on all bank accounts and be sure these have been updated according to bank laws. If not, these too will go through probate court.

Make a list of all credit cards, the numbers and phone numbers of the companies, passwords and security codes.

Jot down Medicare and Medicaid, supplemental Medicare health insurance card numbers, and the same for your drug plan. Once someone dies, you will have to contact all government agencies such as Social Security and show the death certificate (get at least a dozen of these, and it's less expensive to do so at the beginning). You might also be entitled to your late spouse's Social Security if it's more than yours.

Have a copy of any insurance from long-term care to life insurance with a long-term care rider, if there is one.

Have a list of names, phone numbers and emails of the other professionals you or your spouse or partner used, such as attorneys, accountants, bank officers, real estate agents, stockbrokers, a human resource manager at work in case you must deal with his company insurance and more.

Have a copy of old tax records for a few years, which you may need to do taxes for the first time. Don't hesitate to turn to experts to help you through the morass of paperwork and other issues.

Don't be blindsided by bills after a spouse's death. If there is debt, hospital bills, car payments, insurance or anything else for which your spouse was still paying, you are required to pay them. Just because the person is dead doesn't mean you don't still owe.

Keep all information on a thumb drive or make a list in Word and keep it in a manila file folder but not on your computer. Some like to keep a second copy in a bank safe or at their attorney's office.

Sit down with potential heirs in person—whether a spouse, partner or grown children. Be sure there are no distractions and have the frank death discussion. Share what you own or give a rough gauge if you don’t want to provide a number; this is your choice. Tell where the funds are invested. Know what you pay in taxes and when. Know who handles investments, if an outsider(s) does. Tell out loud, even if written in a will, end-of-life decisions in advance, from the do-not-resuscitate to burial place, service, who will officiate, give eulogies, cater and where contributions in memory will be made if that matters.

As frustrating, macabre (some might think), expensive and time-consuming as this process might be, it helps to ease the angst when your loved ones die. At least, you then can concentrate on grieving, which is a long-term process in most cases, and trying to move forward rather than searching for papers, investments and spending time on unpleasant phone calls and in-person meetings. Your heirs will thank you, even if you don’t hear their appreciation.