More About How to Make a New Friend: Share Stories & Ask the Right Questions

Friendship is based on the stories we share…and the questions we ask.  

Some friendships are all about a shared history, namely those long-term childhood relationships. There are also the shorter ones formed in early adulthood, maybe someone you met at work or the parents of your children’s friends. Then, as you age, there are the brand-new ones that can form from an introduction or a serendipitous meeting—a new neighbor, a conversation with a stranger in a grocery line, in a volunteer project or a class. We call these “pop up” friendships.

Friendships, as we say in our book Not Dead Yet, are as important to us as the oxygen we breathe. They keep us healthy, grounded, feeling we matter to someone else. Friends bring us soup when we’re ill, call, email or text us just to let us know they’re thinking about us, and we do the same. 

In a New York Times piece, “The Surprising Power of Texting a Friend: Welcome to the 5-Day Friendship Challenge! Today is a light lift — just pick up your phone,” by Catherine Pearson, Updated June 9, 2024, 5:54 p.m., she writes: “Ample research shows that social connection is crucial to our physical and mental health and longevity. It is good for our brains and hearts and helps protect us against stress. One oft-quoted 2010 study concluded that lacking social connection might be comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.” The author offers a five-day friendship challenge. The Friendship Challenge: The Health Benefits of Texting Your Friends - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Not all friendships are deep and serious. Some are frivolous and superficial—we like going to movies together or we see each other in a volunteer job. We chat, chat, chat and go our separate ways. We may never touch on touchy subjects such as politics or religion. These are more like acquaintanceships.    

Also, we have different friendships for different reasons: someone we trust, will keep a confidence and who is a good listener; someone who is fun and makes us laugh but isn’t a brain trust; someone who is smart and creative, even intellectual; someone who does the same kind of work that we do  or we met in a support group and both are going through the same trauma or experience; someone who is merely sweet, caring and nurturing—there when we’re ill and will stay in touch until we’re on the mend; someone with whom we play on a team—maybe a softball group or tennis doubles partner. We have good sports and a teamwork ethic in common.

Some people are content with one or two besties while others might collect people like stamps. They feel more secure and happy with a large accumulation of friends. They want to be constantly busy and invited everywhere. We call it the shotgun style of collecting. If you find enough friends, you are going to hit some good things.

Some friendships won’t work out or even start. You meet online perhaps, exchange phone numbers, you email, or text and the person doesn’t reply, or does!

If you want to make new friends, it involves risk, starting a conversation and asking the right questions to determine if this is fleeting or maybe forever. In a New York Times piece, “Butterfly or Firefly: What’s Your Friendship Style? Take the quiz”  (also) by  Catherine Pearson, June 9, 2024, she talks about a friendship style and came up with a list of good questions to figure it out.

We have created a challenge of our own for those 50-plus. Here are 12 Proustian-like questions designed to size up the new person and help determine a friendship probability. See what you think and feel free to add your own questions or comments.

Friendship Quiz

1. What do you love more than anything else?
2. If you changed one thing about yourself, what would it be?
3. Are you a planner or more of a laissez-faire kind of person?
4. What is the one characteristic or trait you most like about yourself? Dislike?
5. What quality do you like and most dislike in others?
6. Which fictional character do you most admire?
7. If you could become someone famous, living or dead, who would that be and why?
8. What are your favorite three activities to do in your free time? Concerts, lectures, hikes or what?
9. What do you not like to do and why?
10. If you could go back in time, which event would you most like to relive?
11. If you could go forward, what would you hope has changed about the world and universe?
12. How do you feel you are making a difference in the world or what would you still like to do?

Some say it might be providence, kismet, fate, bashert or whatever term you care to use that played a hand in circumstances that led you to meet a new person. Now, see if a friendship develops after taking our quiz. And keep in mind that friendships, like a good marriage, must be nurtured by both parties to grow, survive various hurdles—a hurt or a snarky remark--and last.