Us opinionated? Maybe. We hope not judgmental. But what’s the difference?
We hear the terms opinionated and judgmental bandied about and wonder, what are the differences? You might say about a friend who typically doesn't like your movie or restaurant choices, “Oh, she’s so opinionated.” But then, when she rolls her eyes or tut-tuts at a young girl’s mini-mini skirt or multiple tattoo piercings, you think, “My goodness, she’s judgmental.”
Are these terms interchangeable? Is one better than the other, or are both put-downs? Where does this stem from? Does social media fuel these fires? We were eager to learn the differences between the behaviors, so we asked Baltimore psychologist Kathleen Fanone (bio below) to explain and answer more of our questions about this topic.
Here’s her take: While being opinionated and judgmental are often grouped together, there are important differences. Usually, when someone is being opinionated, they share their perspective on an issue and aren't afraid to express it. An opinionated person enjoys explaining their reasoning and is generally open to discussion, disagreement, or new information, even if it doesn't ultimately change their mind.
When one is being judgmental, they are generally evaluating people more than issues. A judgmental person typically demonstrates minimal curiosity and often engages in binary thinking i.e., “good/bad” or “right/wrong.” Judgment is typically shared with a dismissive or superior tone.
1. Why do human beings tend to be judgmental?
Human beings can be judgmental for a number of reasons. While many assume the main reason is closed-mindedness, the most basic reason is actually a desire to reduce ambiguity in one’s life. Forming and passing judgments can feel soothing and even tidying in an otherwise messy world. Though following this impulse can be appealing, the resulting judgment is often inaccurate, creating a missed opportunity for deeper understanding or fueling conflict with others. Judgmental behavior can also come from a place of fear or vulnerability; passing judgment enables people to project control when they are feeling out of control. But the price of control is distance: forming quick determination about someone else stops the process of understanding.
Making rash, ill-informed assumptions also serves to protect one’s identity in a moment of insecurity. If I label you, I don’t have to understand you on your own terms; I can simply define you in relation to me, in ways that protect or elevate my sense of self. Put simply, if I judge you as bad in relation to me, then I must be good. It is also easier to externalize criticism, locating flaws in others—rather than sitting with the discomfort of unwanted feelings of shame, guilt or vulnerability.
Being judgmental is a learned behavior. Some people may acquire it from their family of origin, growing up in homes or environments where hasty criticisms of them and others are common, and thus, the act of casting judgment becomes a default language. But being judgmental is also quietly and constantly reinforced in society. Take, as an example, the impact of parenting “influencers” on parenting culture in the United States. While some parenting influencers provide nuanced assessments, social media platforms reward short soundbites, dramatization, and follower counts, so many offer snap judgments on parenting methods, and then invite viewers to “like” if they agree.
Public condemnation of particular parenting methods, boosted through “likes,” perpetuates the notion that there are “good” and “bad” parenting methods without considering context, nuance or privilege. The collective act of “liking” parenting judgments also creates a false sense of solidarity between parenting influencers and viewers regarding the rightness of casting judgment on others’ behavior rather than examining their own. It is a way for the influencer and their viewer to maintain the self-assessment that they are “doing things right” without reflecting the parenting they are doing. And notice that to maintain this positive self-assessment of their behavior, they believe they have to negatively label the behavior of others. There are countless examples where judging others is modeled to us as the way to validate our identity–how we dress, vote, how or whether we worship, whom we love and much more.
2. How does it affect our inner core, detrimental, corrosive?
The tendency to operate from a judgmental place can be deeply detrimental if it is not recognized and held in check. It not only reduces our ability to empathize with others but also impacts our ability to empathize with ourselves. This, in turn, can cause a significant amount of stress–constantly striving to be judged as “right,” “successful” or “perfect” in the eyes of others can be exhausting. It habituates us to being on high alert at all times, essentially scanning for what is wrong. And for those accustomed to regularly presenting themselves on social media, this high alert can be much more difficult to turn off.
3. What are the consequences of voicing judgments out loud? How does it affect relationships with family and friends?
Being judgmental may result in short-term relief but comes at a long-term cost. Many unintended consequences arise from voicing judgments out loud. Externalized judgment can damage or even destroy relationships. Even if the person you are judging is not privy to your criticism, the people who are exposed to criticism may begin to feel less safe around you. They may wonder if you are evaluating them in similar ways. When repeated judgment comes from a person in a position of power, such as a parent, teacher, or employer, it can damage the person’s sense of self-worth after the incidents occur.
4. Is a judgment ever helpful and, if so, when?
Being judgmental can be useful in that it is usually a signal to ourselves rather than a thoughtful conclusion. Judgment reveals more about our internal world rather than a true measure of someone else’s character. If we can begin to recognize it as an unmet need–safety, fairness, rest, respect, etc., we may be able to shift away from an external critical point of view and redirect the energy towards tending to ourselves.
5. We all can be judgmental and critical at times, but can we all stop and re-channel those thoughts for a better purpose?
If we notice moments when we are becoming judgmental, we can ask ourselves the following:
- Is my goal to gain understanding, serve as self-protection or release?
- What might I be missing here?
- Is this about someone’s behavior or character? How can I shift my thoughts from character judgment to behavioral discernment?
- What does this reaction say about expectations of myself or others?
- Where did I learn this idea or rule from?
When we redirect critical energy towards values, boundaries and curiosity, we can move away from judgments that can be hurtful and negative and shift towards discernments, which are useful, effective and healthy.
Kathleen Fanone’s bio:
Kathleen Fanone is a psychotherapist in private practice in Baltimore. For over fifteen years, Kathleen has worked in both inpatient and outpatient settings with adolescents and adults facing mental health and other emotional challenges. She has extensive experience providing therapy to survivors of trauma, abuse, and neglect. Kathleen’s areas of clinical interest and expertise include depression, anxiety, grief and loss, difficult family systems, vicarious trauma, professional burnout, and chronic illness.