The Numbers Game: How to Handle Those Nosey (Mostly Financial) Questions

We grew up with parents who considered discussing anything financial to be fraught with problems, less than classy, and, might we say, downright tacky.

We were instructed:

·       Don’t ask how much something costs (as the adage goes, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it”);

·       Don’t share that something was costly since it makes those unable to buy it feel uncomfortable (cheap is OK at times);

·       Don’t divvy up restaurant meals by figuring out who ate what rather than splitting the bill equally, even if someone drank their weight in alcohol;

·       Don’t ask how much a hotel costs;

·       Don’t ask someone what their salary is, if there’s a bonus and how much;

·       Don’t ask what someone paid for their Taylor Swift tickets or what someone spent on their new BMW convertible, private airplane, first- or business-class airfare, education at any institution since you may have a heart attack when you learn an Ivy League tuition is hovering near $100,000 a year, camp which has also become ridiculously high, haircuts and coloring, Botox and facelifts, jewelry, price of the per-plate cost at a catered dinner, what you’re supposed to spend on a gift per old rules, and even groceries these days, except eggs which are more of a political hot button.

Other numbers beyond financials are related to our health that we also prefer to keep secret—our weight, shrinking height, dress or jean size, A1C, cholesterol and a breakdown of the good and bad lipids, prostate for men, kidney function, red and white platelets and so on. And along with that, don’t ask what they pay for Medicare Part A and B, supplemental care, a drug plan and if they have long-term insurance and how much that costs.

But the problem is that we can’t hide all numbers, especially in the age of Google and AI that tells us what a certain designer dress costs, how much a house or apartment sold for or was listed at, what people pay in real estate taxes, cooperative apartment assessments, especially if a special assessment or for their HOA fees. You can even learn what someone got in a divorce settlement, though if they’re a celebrity, you need not ask, since it might be shared on any of the social media sites or in a big bold font on Page Six of the New York Post.

Deflect if someone asks a private number question that makes us uncomfortable. We fidget, try to change the conversation or feign memory loss, even if it’s a home you sold or a designer dress you bought a week ago, or simply blurt out “It’s none of your business,” which is neither nice nor classy.

What’s a more diplomatic tactic when you don’t want to feel embarrassed if asked about a particularly sensitive number? Here are some ways we think it’s best to deflect:

1.    If we are the ones just dying to know, we tend to preface any of our nosy questions with, “I know it’s tacky, but would you mind sharing what a round of golf or a game of pickleball costs at the resort you’re going to?” Most are willing to share since we’ve softened our nosiness with a polite request. It’s also not a personal question. There is also the option to call the place and find out the information.

2.    Sometimes we’re a bit bold and reply with a question about something personal. It’s the old switcheroo. “Might I ask why you want to know?” You’ll usually get an innocuous answer such as, “Oh, just curious,” rather than “Oh, I never could afford to go there or spend that much.” You’ve put the ball back in their court or avoided answering without seeming weird or nasty, which is our fear. Yet, you may have made them a bit uncomfortable. Not nice, but they shouldn’t have asked in the first place.

3.    If someone is bold and comes right out and asks, “Do you have lots of occasions to wear a Cartier watch?” Now, they’ve put you on the hot seat, and they’ve come across as a condescending snob. One option is to ignore the questions and just shrug your shoulders, hoping they get the message not to ask again. 

4.     If we’re offended when someone says, “So, you have $50,000 lying around for a kitchen redo?” you could get a bit snarky and interject, “Well, yes, but it’s really now up to $100,000 if you have seen the latest remodeling stats.” Eyes will pop out, and they’ll probably not follow up with, “So you have $100,000?” Let them wonder. Insert any of the now stratospheric prices for anything—boat, spa getaway, caviar, best wine. But be accurate with your numbers.

5.     Tell a white lie. We don’t endorse this solution, except in the most delicate situations. Here, we might say, “Oh, I have no idea. It was a gift, or so-and-so—a partner, spouse or rich uncle—bought the tickets, shoes or house for me.” The inquiring mind might simply respond as they turn green with envy, “Lucky you.”

6.    Come up with a canned response if someone asks, “How old are you now?”  You might say, “Young enough to still be alive.” Or “Still vertical most of the time.” Or laughingly say, “So old I have voted in 16 Presidential elections,” so let them figure it out. Or if they ask, “How many medications are you on?” Response: “So many I can’t keep count.” Then again another laugh. 

7.     Politely decline when someone asks, “How much weight have you lost?” Say, “I’d rather not talk about that.” And then smile like the Mona Lisa. But maybe because of the new weight loss drugs and so many on them, you might be happy to be open and brag, “Already, down 20 pounds and still counting down!”

8.     Give a vague answer if someone says, “I hear you might need surgery. What is going on?” Answer: “It’s complicated, and I’d rather not talk about it.”

9.     Always set boundaries. “So sorry to hear about your divorce. What happened if I may ask? And did the lawyer charge a lot?” (You think, of course, I mind if you ask.) Just say instead: “That’s personal, and I’d prefer to keep it private. It’s so painful to relive it.”

10. Every so often, a person’s nosy question might free us from our uncomfortable money zone, and we might disclose the information when asked, “I love your shoes. Where did you get them and how much did you spend?” Realizing you have nothing to hide for this indulgence, you might be honest and tell them what you spent, adding with relish, “I work hard for my money.”