The Holders of Secrets: Why some people hide information from others
Most of us have secrets we’d rather not share, hidden away in a pocket of our minds like ghosts that haunt us.
We all have secrets, says psychotherapist Jill Davis, MSSW, with a private consulting practice assisting pre-med and medical students. “We have a public persona and the person we are within our families, which is often messier. We try to keep hidden the less likeable parts of ourselves to be better liked, more esteemed, or more admired, depending on the qualities (admiration, being seen as kind or easy-going etc.) that safeguard our ego and pride in the public arena.”
Then there’s the deeper level, she says, those secrets that we keep even from those with whom we are closest--traits of which we are ashamed. “Perhaps it is a small measure of enjoyment in someone's failure when we have felt jealous of that person's success, perhaps it is the fact that we are jealous in and of itself. Perhaps we keep our thoughts secret to avoid an argument, which in some cases might be a good reason for staying quiet. We should not yell out everything we think or feel. It should always go through a filtering lens of respect for the person we are talking to.”
There are also times when keeping quiet is a form of self-protection to avoid triggering abuse, which is its own topic, says Davis. “This is when secrecy (including a plan to escape) becomes essential to survival.”
And ultimately, Davis says, there are the secrets that we keep from ourselves. “This includes the ways we don't know ourselves because to let in the knowledge of the ways that we are flawed or damaged, the ways that we have hurt other people, might dent the image that we have constructed of ourselves, as a good person, or a person who is always right, a person who never loses (think Trump).”
On the other hand, there are those who have something to boast about and would rather not do so. Keep it secret; it’s not in their nature to attract that kind of attention. It makes them uncomfortable. They want to be liked for who they are not what they’ve done. Maybe they don’t want a potential employer to know they have an MBA from Harvard; it might make them overqualified. Won the lottery? Who wants others to know when everyone will hit them up for money? We know a doctor who doesn’t use his MD as a badge of honor. He tends to hide it from strangers unless there is an emergency. Being a doctor, he says, is not only who he is. He has so many other facets to his life.
What about those who have something physical to hide? Case in point: We recently heard a broadcast (rebroadcast from Sept. 10, 2024) on WNYC (NPR station) about this topic. The station wrote: “Ruth Rathblott was born with a limb difference that she spent most of her life hiding from others. Her road to acceptance is documented in two books, her most recent being, Unhide and Seek, that offers ways to stop hiding and use a difference to thrive.” She’s now a published author who has gone public with her difference in an effort to help other holders of secrets.
Another category of secretive people are those who are that way about everything. They will never share. Is it because they value privacy or have been hurt in some way that requires them to be tight lipped, to keep their guard up like a shield? Maybe they were raised in a family that clung on to privacy and was cloaked in family secrets.
There are consequences of being excessively secretive. Says Davis, “Nothing is more important in a relationship than trust and secrets are corrosive to trust. Intimacy can't exist within the confines of secrecy. Having said that, we all have our boundaries and there are ways and times that we are entitled to keep things to ourselves that don't hurt a relationship by not sharing.”
Someone may not want to share an inheritance but then they go out and spend more than usual and others wonder how can they afford to do that? Do they need to share what occurred? What about a serious illness or an addiction? Or a big job promotion may be coming but the recipient doesn’t want to share, until it happens. They don’t want to tempt the fates. Isn’t it their prerogative not to share…yet?
If secrecy damages a relationship, there are ways to become more transparent or change course, especially because secrets often come out and can be distorted. It would be healthier if you were the bearer of the news rather than allowing others to control the narrative i.e., the end of a friendship, divorce, a job loss or worse, a criminal act.
If a person is exceptionally secretive, what can they do to let go? If it’s you, consider these options:
--Maybe when you feel safe, have a conversation with a close friend or family member about why you’re secretive.
--Try telling something that’s not so sensitive to that friend or family member. Small doses. When you establish trust, share and see if they can honor your request not to repeat what you’ve told them.
--Davis also suggests that the secretive person might need therapy to understand the underlying reason why they have created that wall between themselves and others.
Hiding information from others is a form of self-protection, but it can erode some relationships. Some will understand and some won’t. But it’s up to you to weigh whether the information you’re keeping so close to the vest is worth hiding. And you must also decide if you don’t want the information shared, if the friend will honor your trust. The bottom line may be communicating your needs and sharing that and explaining to the person the secrets are very important to you, but some matters aren’t for sharing. You can be the ultimate decider.