Small Talk Can Reap Big Benefits

It’s one of your worst nightmares. You walk alone into a crowded room of strangers. You freak out at the thought of standing with a drink in your hand, feeling like a wallflower.  

How do you connect comfortably with someone? Anyone? You spot a person you think you’ve met before and would like to know better. You edge your way closer, hoping to catch their eye. But how do you begin the conversation? This is when your small talk chops come in handy. 

Some consider small talk trivial, banal and challenging. Don’t dismiss how hard it can be to do it well and its importance. It is an invaluable skill and can be great fun to extract bits of information from someone you don’t know or don’t know well. With some tips, it’s easier than you think and will boost your confidence in social, networking, travel, public, and business settings. 

You never know what you may discover when engaged in these mini chats. They can lead to big changes, such as making a new job connection, a new friend, romantic partner, coming up with an idea for a story if you’re a writer, finding a good doctor, dentist, piano teacher, travel agent, great bookstore and books, travel tips, free concert, gourmet grocery or a bakery. The possibilities are endless.

 But doing so requires a few rules to draw people out successfully. In our book, Not Dead Yet, in the chapter titled “Shivas, Wakes & Funerals: The New Meet & Greet for Those 40 and Older” (August 2021), we discuss tongue-in-cheek how to socialize at a funeral, which we say is one of the best places to meet new people:

First ask how they knew the deceased and for how long. You can proceed with questions about activities you pursued together. Be prudent about jokes or funny stories. We know that these venues can be a magnet for gallows humor. And try to avoid money conversations; they’re tacky at a funeral. So, avoid how much the deceased person’s house might sell for, and which pushy real estate salesperson will try to get the listing fast. 

In a recent article in The New York Times (Sept. 23, 2025), writer Ella Quittner says bars are the new great meet-and-greet place and possibly better than a dating app. But here are some mechanics of successful small talk:

Here are some conversation openers or ice breakers we use every day: weather, recent events, or mutual interests, the environment you’re in, favorite books and movies, home décor and housing styles, i.e., “This is such a beautiful house, I love all the windows and natural light. And the kitchen is fabulous with its Carrara marble countertops.” This could jumpstart a conversation about marble as a choice to use in a kitchen or not. 

Or start by asking: “How’s your day been going? Anything wonderful happened?” And when the person responds, it’s the equivalent of having “the ball tossed back to you” and an indication to keep the conversation in play. 

If attending an event in someone’s honor, such as a baptism, bar mitzvah, confirmation or wedding, ask: “How do you know the host?” If the person gets the game, they’ll ask how you do, and you’re off and running, so to speak. 

Here are more topics that should appeal universally. 

Weather: “Boy, is it a horrible hot and humid day. What do you do to cool off? Are you into water sports? What do you like to do, especially when it’s so hot.” But try to steer clear of climate control; it can be a hot button politically.

Compliment. Everyone likes to be flattered. “I like the color of your sweater.” “Your nails are awesome.”  “Where did you get those fabulous earrings?” Maybe the person responds that they found the earrings on a trip to Japan, and then the small talk may shift to travel, food, gardens and sushi. 

Small talk rules and benefits 

First, know how to be appropriate. It is off-putting and will shut down the conversation faster than you can blurt out “How can you say that?” “Are those your real eyelashes?” “Do you know you have a suspicious-looking mole by your nose?” “Have you ever considered plucking your chin or nose hairs?” And don’t sneer, look bored, annoyed or keep looking around the room for someone who seems more important or interesting. Focus on the person right there. 

Second, it’s polite to talk to someone standing or sitting near you at an event. Silence can be misconstrued as rudeness or snobbishness.   

Third, since this is called small talk, start small. It may seem superficial, but a good connection can lead to more profound, deeper thoughts. 

Fourth, here are some more tidbits to succeed. If shy and uncomfortable with small talk, practice in advance with a friend or partner. Come up with conversation starters, good questions and different ways to end a conversation. “I think I’ll go get a drink at the bar. So nice talking to you.” The newspaper and TV are great aids to coming up with ideas, from art shows, concerts and movie releases to fabulous places to travel and eat. 

Ask open-ended questions versus questions that can be answered with a fast yes or no. 

Be curious but not nosy. Don’t right off the bat ask where they grew up or went to high school or college or what their parents did or if they’re married or have children. Be careful about broaching certain topics like religion, politics (unless you know you’re on the same page), money, lifestyles, gender and abortion. 

Have some neutral topics to discuss such as sports or food or a review of a movie, a juicy TV news item about a Hollywood couple, a concert you attended or a museum exhibition you saw featuring a famous or unknown artist now famous. You can always ask what books they’ve read recently and if they liked them or not. Or consider what they plan to read next or which magazines they like most. 

Smile, use open body language versus crossed arms, and nod your head or react with “yes” or “that’s interesting” to indicate you’re listening. And try not to interrupt or refer everything back to you. “I took that same cruise” or “I have a house in the Hamptons, too.” 

Be present for the person you are talking to. It’s a good time to practice listening. Stay off your phone. Keep the exchange focused on the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves, i.e., their job, their kids, grandkids, their partner, hobbies, favorite recipes and podcasts. 

Be empathetic if the other person is discussing something difficult and is vulnerable such as a divorce, death or loss of a job. Listening and not judging is the best tactic. Again, you needn’t throw in your two cents. “Oh, I had an even tougher divorce” or “I may dislike my former spouse more!” Avoid one-upmanship if you want to get off on the right foot. 

Humor always helps, whether about a funny show, humorous book, monologue you remember from Steven Colbert, or an experience you had such as not being able to find your gray car in a parking lot full of gray cars. 

Know when to move on if you’re running out of small talk, you feel distracted, the other person seems distracted or starts disagreeing with you, the conversation is going down a rabbit hole with discussion of one’s health problems. “I have a hemorrhoids and yada yada…” And run in the other direction if you’re listening to a monologue that goes on and on like a long, dull meal. 

Here’s what we wrote to end a conversation at a funeral or shiva in the same book, Not Dead Yet:

Since you’re there to meet as many folks as possible…cut conversations down to no more than 10 minutes and move on. It’s a little like speed dating. Think: meet, greet, goodbye! 

Keep the small talk simple and see where it leads. Feel free to share your small-talk stories in the comments section below. We never know when we’ll need some more ice-breakers for the next event we’re attending.