Quips and Slips: Learn When to Zip Your Lips
We’ve all fallen into the trap of blurting out something we shouldn’t say to someone, and it can come across as unseemly or hurtful. Many times, we catch ourselves and apologize. But we don’t always hear ourselves. As we age, we try to master the art of holding back critical comments to avoid the common malady of lost-filter moments (LFMs).
How we each chastised our parents and other elderly relatives when critical or hurtful unsolicited words or opinions poured from their mouths like water. Suddenly, we started hearing unsolicited barbs and advice from our peers: “That dress really isn’t flattering,” or “Don’t you think your hair color is too light?” or “Your lipstick color is a bit bright.”
Did we ask? No.
We feel hurt, sometimes very hurt, and our visceral reaction is to strike back. How do you respond to such disdain? To avoid confrontation, we take such comments stoically, even when we want to be childish and scream back, “Well, your dress doesn’t look so great on you, either,” or “You might be smart to get a better haircut and make it an expensive one while you’re at it.” So there!
We wondered whether LFM is another product of advanced age, or whether we are hearing such comments more now that we have more time on our hands, and others do, too? Are the unsolicited hurtful comments collateral damage from having less patience and tolerance in our older years?
We did our research, wondering if there is a true scientific connection. Lo and behold, there may be. According to one source, “As we get older, our brains start to shrink. This is a normal part of the aging process known as brain atrophy. It affects how well our brain cells can communicate with one another. Importantly, brain atrophy doesn’t happen to all areas of the brain at once. It is particularly noticeable in the frontal lobes. Researchers have linked age-related shrinking in the frontal lobes with declines in inhibitory control and social cognition. Studies have also found that older adults respond differently to socially awkward situations than younger adults.” This was eye- and ear-opening.
As we strive to keep improving ourselves, we suggest zipping your lips when you think you’re helping someone dress better, display better manners, learn more, use better words or grammar, or feel the urgency to correct them about some facts you think they desperately need to know.
We also suggest this approach when criticisms come in writing, whether in an email or text. Do not engage. By doing so, you’re cutting off an unpleasant conversation at the pass and not getting sucked up into a tornado of back-and-forth who-did-what-to-whom. If you engage, you’ve ceded control to the other person, making them feel they’re in charge and that they are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT!
When you experience someone else’s LFM, try our remedy, which has taken us lots of wrinkles to master. We’re still works in progress, but try these tips: Hold back, count to 10 or seven seconds as billionaire Ken Griffith does, and pretend your mouth has been wired shut so you can’t speak. Also, if in person, try not to shake your head in dismay or roll your eyes.
In the end, what you’ve accomplished is huge: You’ve saved yourself massive amounts of stress and put out a verbal fire.
Here are some conversations we’ve heard and remembered that we think represent common LFMs and good people acting temporarily unkind rather than people trying to be outright malicious. We also try to take the high road and forgive them. We all have better things to discuss and debate. Here are a few quips and slips.
1. Yellow is a really hard color to wear, but I admire you for trying.
2. When did you become so outgoing and chatty?
3. You look so tired; you must be working too hard.
4. You’re not going to lose more weight, are you? Or are you on one of those drugs?
5. You’ve gained some weight, or am I mistaken? Just checking.
6. You talk to everyone; doesn’t it get tiring being so social?
7. You do know you’ve shared that story already, don’t you?
8. Are you depressed? You seem so very sad.
9. Why would you ever be friendly with that person (couple)? They’re so boring.
10. You do know you used the most expensive (worst) caterer (tree pruner, car mechanic, decorator, financial planner, lawyer)?
11. I can’t believe you’re ordering that food; I think it’s gross.
12. Your haircut is so short and unflattering. Too unfeminine, in MY opinion.
13. I can’t believe you don’t dye and style your eyebrows now that they have thinned and are turning gray.
14. Your reading glasses make you look like a little old lady, or is that the look you like?
15. Why would you wear shorts at our age; our legs aren’t getting better.
16. Sleeveless dresses and tops really aren’t for our age anymore as our arms get flabbier; just a tiny piece of advice.
17. You’re really talking so much in case you didn’t realize- or did you?
18. You should be over your loss (or divorce) by this point, don’t you think? Or at least stop sharing it so often.
19. I hate to ask, but do you think you should be wearing a top with so much of your cleavage showing?
20. That dress (skirt) is really so short; are you trying to look like one of your granddaughters?
21. Just so you know, you are growing a slight mustache. There are ways to get rid of facial hair—under your chin, too, or maybe your eyesight has changed.
If the barbs keep coming, we have an additional way to defuse your hurt. Picture a thought balloon above the person’s head and fill it with whatever you’d like to say back to an offender. It’s a healthy way to get hurt off your chest on mute.