Pucker Up: What can Sour a Relationship Quickly
Good relationships take work—lots of nurturing, compliments, appreciation, hugs, kisses and thank yous. Conversely, there are irritants that may cause a slow leak in a relationship—a drip, drip, drip of what’s good going down the drain for many reasons. We call these relationship busters.
What are some of the major reasons a relationship may be on shaky ground can be a single instigator or several. Here are our top 12 causes. Nip them if you can before they become baked in habits that are difficult to break.
Nagging. Who wants to be around someone constantly harping, “Take out the garbage,” or “Did you hang up your clothing yet? It’s been days, already.” Double or triple the nags, and we’re sure it’s a recipe for disaster. Learn how to ask without using “you phrases” like, “You never remember to put the lid on the mayonnaise jar,” and ask once by saying, “I really like it when you remember to put the lid on the mayonnaise jar, which keeps it fresh.” Then, take a deep breath or two, and wait or tackle the task yourself. Of course, that can lead to resentment over time. The tone of the nagging also may ramp up resentment more.
Snoring. It’s like listening to a metronome. Snore. Snore. Snore. To a rhythm. It keeps the non-snorer up at night for sure. You can shake them, cajole them and at first they respond. But it’s short-lived. Soon the snorer is back to deep sleep and to well, snoring. First course of action: Have the person take a test for sleep apnea to see if it’s a medical condition. Second, consider a noise machine to block out the sound. Wear ear plugs or noise cancelling ear buds. The point is that snoring is often something we can’t control but science can help. Or an easier solution for the non-snorer, go for separate bedrooms.
Silent treatment. This is the gold standard of passive aggressive behavior. A friend, partner, spouse, other family member goes mum. Hey, you silent treatment types, if you’re annoyed, speak up rather than go radio silent, which is childish and not likely to help any situation or relationship. It adds a chill, sets a bad example for our children and grandchildren. The Amish have the "silent treatment" down to a fine art.
Few can maintain silent anger and it’s not okay to suddenly decide to speak. It’s the ultimate form of control. “I will speak to you when I’m ready to do so,” which means you are a prisoner in this punishing silent mode,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical associate professor psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital, who is quoted in an article written recently by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times titled “This Habit is Quietly Ruining Your Relationships.”
Rolling your eyes. This is a first cousin to the Silent Treatment. This is a form of body language. You’re annoyed, don’t agree, disapprove and want to clearly show it without saying something. Instead of speaking up, you roll the eyes so your partner/spouse/friend can see. It’s unkind. Do it enough and your eyes and eyebrows may get fixed in place as a permanent frown. Not a good look.
Criticizing. In any relationship, this should be taboo. Nobody likes to be criticized unless it’s approached gently without attacking and with some constructive advice. “Honey, I think you overcooked the brisket and maybe next time we can cook it together, but the gravy is great,” is better than “This is the worst brisket ever made, and you ruined an expensive cut of meat.” Even worse is criticizing in front of people or adding on to the criticism, “Your brisket sucks as does almost all you make; maybe you should take a cooking class or never cook again.” Those of us who are sensitive often find criticism tough to stomach… and devastating. Who wants to eat the brisket now?
Having to be right. Is anyone right all the time? There are those who think they are; it’s often a sign of insecurity. This is a toxic ingredient in any relationship. You may say, “You know the market tumbled 6 percent today,” but the know-it-all may come back, “No, it was 5.8 percent.” Fine, you think, but being corrected and especially for nitty-gritty that in the long run won’t affect your life in the moment, is irritating and disrespectful. It puts the other person down.
In these circumstances, a little humor might work: “Yes, honey, how lucky for me that you’re always right. I wish that could be me. Ha. Ha.” If they don’t see this as sarcasm and feel offended, maybe they’ll take the bait and recognize they’re only right 50 percent of the time or give them 60 percent.
Or, when they are so sure they’re right, there’s are two simple solutions: simply ignore them or look it up on Google. Then you can choose to tell them they are wrong, which won’t help your relationship or forget it if it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things. And when we want to tap into someone’s knowledge about a subject or topic, we’ll ask.
Competitiveness. Again, while it may signal insecurity, some in a relationship view their partner or spouse as an adversary whom they must beat, whether in golf or tennis or any sporting event or game, in knowledge, in cooking or number of friends. Friends may get competitive, too. “My son got the highest scores even on the LSAT!”
Here it’s best to explain to the other person with an “I” message how such behavior makes you feel and that you view each other as a member of your team where each of you has different strengths. If they insist they make the bed better—tighter corners, tell them they should handle the task. If they always beat you at tennis, great, here, too, and ask them to help you become a better player. With a friend you’re on trickier ground to speak up, if you feel you must because their sense of always having the best grates on you. They obviously need to brag, maybe for their insecurity. You might just say, “That’s so nice,” and end the conversation there.
Bad habits--cutting toenails in bed, whining, putting elbows on the table, chewing with a mouth open, burping or faring loudly, driving while glancing at a cell phone, never putting back things where they belong. Whatever the bad habit, it’s not likely to stop just because you sweetly point it out. Habits like these are ingrained and take a long time to break, so be kind. Bring them up but don’t expect a miracle FAST, especially when there are multiple annoyances.
And it’s very possible you do some too to annoy your partner so maybe you can make a game of it, and each see what you can shed. Or have an agreement that, if said sweetly and gently, it’s okay to point out those little peccadillos that bother each another. Humor here also does work well, “I like that you groom your feet so nicely, but how about doing it in the bathroom where you can collect the toenails and throw them in the wastebasket, honey.” And by the way, “Would you empty the wastebasket more often, too?” That may be too much to ask!
Not being on the same financial page. Money is a trigger in any relationship that can affect it negatively. And when big bucks are at stake, it can destroy it. Each person may have their own funds but when it comes to joint accounts, being on the same page is critical. Before you do any financial transaction in a marriage, partnership or friendship or in your family, be transparent, be honest about your spending habits, whether you have debt, any gambling or drug habit, if you’re a shopaholic, and what you can and cannot afford. The easy remedy is honest communication: consult, discuss and share all major financial decisions. No going behind someone’s back. This is destructive to any relationship.
Being unappreciative. It’s free and so easy to do. Say “thank you” when someone does a kind deed, whether making coffee each morning, receiving an unexpected bouquet of flowers or noticing a new hairdo or outfit. Some never learned to appreciate such niceties and speak up, but people can be trained over time. Speak up, say it matters to you and explain why. But also set an example and say thank you, do unexpected niceties—baseball tickets or take over the carpool for a few days. Setting a good example almost always works wonders.
Interrupting repeatedly. Your partner may have the most important statement to make but it can become annoying when you’re interrupted, then you might forget your train of thought or feel diminished. Sweetly explain you’d like to finish your statement and then you welcome their comment or thought. Many who do this don’t realize it until someone points it out. And don’t interrupt to point it out.
Not listening. We all turn a deaf ear at times—and some of us are losing our hearing, but it’s annoying when we want to make a point, have something to share and the other person doesn’t pay heed. Then, we may become a nag and cause more problems (see above). Try to pay attention when the other person is speaking, which may mean putting down a cell phone, looking up from a book, turning off the TV, not typing on a computer or in other words not multitasking. Doing something else when someone is trying to tell us something is disrespectful. If you tend to do this, apologize and give it your full attention. Practicing this makes perfect. We all like to be heard.
Overall, if these relationship blips occur too often and require some work, have a constructive conversation and agree to try to change. Negotiate. “If you agree to stop typing when I’m talking, I’ll make an effort to stop burping so loud and at the table.” If you can’t do this, it’s another recipe for resentment. Eventually the relationship might implode. With better communication, you’re more likely to live happily ever after together or to be friends for life.