Please, Would You Be My Health Buddy?

We’ve written about laugh buddies and confidence buddies, and now, as we—ahem get older—we’ve added another buddy to our team,  a health buddy. 

What’s a health buddy? A friend, relative or group of friends (sometimes it takes a village) to cheer us on when we’re seriously ill or facing trauma, to check on us to see how we’re faring. Examples: "Remember the doctor told you to get up and move.” Or “This is a message from your friend…don’t forget to take your baby aspirin this morning,” or “Call the doctor and make an appointment or I will,” a health buddy might declare.
The drama comes with this partnership: the need for a health buddy on your team

I feel so sick. Am I dying? The sick person is already deciding who should get her letters, her old math books, her clothing, her car, her organ parts.
 
I’m having body pains that could be cancer-- although her doctor’s report indicates that she’s in good health.  

Last night, I couldn’t remember the name of the leafy green vegetable that’s associated with Popeye. How did I remember that?  I need that green vegetable to wipe out the dementia I might be heading to in my golden years. 

Help. I could use a health buddy, couldn’t you? Understand what’s involved. 

Some health buddy tasks

The health buddy’s job is to assure the one who is ill that she will recover and not die but might be a tad sick in the head, a temporary condition, if the issue isn’t serious. (A different remedy or advice is required with serious challenges.) In milder cases, it’s up to the health buddy to reframe the issue. “You should be thankful you got the whooping cough vaccine. Lots of folks don’t get it you know.”

And then she might add: Let’s not get in a tizz. I am happy to inform you that your plea to die (I know you feel like EXPLETIVE) has been denied. Let’s calm down--we hate when people tell us that but in this case it might be necessary. And let’s itemize your concerns to look like a store receipt. We can go over them and check off as needed.

Which health buddy plan is right for you? 
Offer a popular, no-frills package for those who aren’t looking to boost their bottom line. They must hear about your emotional problems and put theirs on hold. 
How do you find or decide on such a person? 

Unfortunately, you cannot walk into Cosco and pick someone off the shelf like you would paper towels or tissues. Also, this is a volunteer position. Make that clear. They can quit any time if you exhaust them, or they have their own issues.

You want someone on call regularly whether once a day or week. If you’ve just sneezed and are feeling lonely, you want to have your health buddy nearby to say, “Bless you!” within seconds, in person or by phone or text. Remember health-shaming is not allowed. 

Be selective in your choice
Pick as carefully as you would for any pro you hire—doctor, plumber, mortician, electrician and so on. Even though this person is unpaid you could throw them a bone. A treat or two. Margaret can be lured into most things with something chocolate and put a great magazine or book or walk before Barbara and she’s sold. 

Here’s our prescription for who might work best.
 
1. First, and most important, is someone you can confide in. This person will listen, won’t share with others, and won’t criticize you for what’s going on if you want to keep it under wraps. The person won’t say, “you are insane” or a “hypochondriac,” unless you acknowledge either first. And if someone outside your duo asks for information, the buddy has their mouth zipped shut. 

2. Second, you also want someone who will be brutally honest. “Hey, Barbara or Margaret, you’re deluding yourself that you’re ok. You’ve been so sad or in such pain. Get off your tusche and get help.” This is a person who speaks up and isn’t afraid to because of the repercussions. And you must respect that person enough to listen and act. Go meditate they might suggest. You reply that you’ve tried it for 30 minutes and all you kept thinking about is a juicy steak for dinner. It was a bust. Ok but don’t try this when hungry. Duh. Move on. 

3. Also crucial is to have someone who has the time to listen and share their sympathy, expertise or whatever you need. If they always turn everything back to themselves, say to yourself, “You’re fired! Which is sort of ridiculous because this not a paid position.” This is a time for you! Be a bit or a lot selfish.

4. Another skillset is someone who is a good researcher. They know how to help you find the right health expert. Or they may have a wide circle of friends and without sharing your name and specifics, find what you need. It can be the best price on Kleenex or the right cleaning solution to clean up after…you know what! They also know the right questions to ask and make a list for you.

5. You also need someone who is not judgmental and will be brutally honest or discount your feelings and say, “Oh, you’re fine,” but note the difference in your tone, mood, and what you say. Yet, at the same time they won’t criticize you if you’ve waited too long or are making a big deal of something small. As we stated, no health-shaming allowed.

6. Someone who might accompany you at times to a doctor is beyond the scope of many buds but terribly helpful. We all don’t hear well everything a doctor relays when we’re ill and we might not pick up on the tone. You feel miserable and think the doc agreed you’re critically ill while the real message was, “You were very ill but you’re out of the woods.”

7. You put them on a probationary period of maybe three months without revealing such. Try them out. Ask if you can bounce something off them; see how they respond. “I’ve been coughing constantly at night. Do you think something is wrong? Do I need to contact my doctor?” See if their response is compassionate and works for you. A few more instances and then you exclaim, you’re “hired.”
 
8. Be aware…needing a buddy isn’t all about serious health ailments, though those are on the list. It’s also about someone who will let you complain or to put it diplomatically, sound out ideas. “I really need to lose weight but not sure how. Do you have any ideas?” Or “I’m afraid to take this medicine, what do you think?” Or even cheer you on if you’re starting Pilates or any exercise program.

9. The person will also let you speak up. If they offer too many cases of this happened to so and so, you can say, “I really need this to be about me,” or “I don’t want to hear what that doctor said. Our problems aren’t the same.” They don’t take offense but get your needs…and your meds.

10. Ask how you can help them if they want you to do the same. However, this does not apply when you are very sick and need it to be all about you. Wait until you are healthy enough to cater to someone else. Pay health buddyship forward. 

11.  And know that your health buddy or buds may change over time. Some will tire of the role—job burnout is huge; your relationship may change; they may develop their own problems and so on. Don’t take offense if they stop responding or listening as well. Some may explain they need to be excused from the role kind of like asking to be excused from the table to go to their room. Bye. Bye. If that’s the case, take the rewards you got with joy. They helped you for a while and taught you the value of having a lay person on your team. And a very kind, thoughtful caring one at that. 

Now, if you’re the sick person, get into bed with a book, turn on the TV with a funny rom.com, then tap your laugh buddy for as we all know, humor is the best medicine of all.