Please Don’t Ask! 20 Questions that Make Us Cringe

This is a delicate matter. We all may be a bit testier these days because of  world problems, an upcoming Presidential election, TV overload and still escalating restaurant, food and gas prices. Blame anything and everything. 

We know we are cringing more when we’re asked questions that relate to personal matters that we may not want to discuss. Part of the reason may also be that we’re not sure how to respond whether it relates to our health, friendships, romantic relationships, work, where we live, shop, travel, what we eat, spend money on, how our parents raised us, how our last tennis or golf game was, and so forth. 

The questions could be about anything, and more and more we hesitate to share, except with a few trusted souls, since we’ve found our answers can be transmitted to others, thanks to social media. In short, we feel we have less privacy and control over what we want to share. 

To cope, we’ve learned to put on our armor and have responses ready, which vary by the situation and people involved. With coaching from one friend, we have learned to ignore the question, and switch to another topic. Or we might pretend we didn’t hear the question, which is highly possible given our bad hearing, which we’re each doing something about…finally! Or we might preface our responses with a comment that’s fairly direct yet still polite, “Oh, I’d rather not talk about it further since I’m not yet ready to answer questions.” That always requires a sweet smile or friendly emoji if in an email.    

Not asking certain questions is a topic we’ve addressed in the past in our book, Suddenly Single After 50. When Margaret’s husband was fighting a blood cancer (and subsequently died), the questions came in rapid fire succession, and she was in no headspace at the time to answer them. How did he get sick? Does it run in his family? Is it an environmental cancer? Did you get a second opinion? Does he have long to live? Oh no, will he have to have chemo? How will you cope when you have a full-time job? Will you hire help? He doesn’t look sick; how sick could he be? When will you start dating? We can double if you meet someone nice. 

When Barbara went through her divorce, she also ducked such questions as the classic: How are you doing? (Oh, “Just great,” she said smiling even though she wasn’t initially. And that was followed by one person’s incredulous, “Really?” Barbara replied, “Yes, really.” What an Oscar-worthy performance she thought to herself.) These were followed by, Will you date? Get remarried? How did you meet your current beau? What have you told your children? Are they okay? Her standard reply continued to be “Just great!” even after one person said, “I hope you don’t fall apart but, if you do, I’m here for you,” which left Barbara feeling temporarily better. 

To help, we’ve listed 20 questions we hope you’re not asked and don’t ask either. Doing so, we know, takes thought, restraint and practice.

1. How old are you? Really? Have you had any work done i.e. facelift, Botox, eyes, neck lift, filler, laser treatments? Everyone does something, as one friend told us.
2. You lost your husband only six months or a year ago, right? I know there’s no timeline for grief but isn’t it a bit early to date?
3. How many replacement parts do you have?
4. You look so trim. How did you lose so much weight? Or another version, you are so thin! Maybe you should eat more.
5. Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. It looks like you’ve put on a few pounds. Anything going on you want to share?
6. You seem so stressed. Why don’t you take a deep breath or try Yoga, Tai Chi or meditation.
7. You always seem to be working on your home? You must spend a bundle; do you mind how much that new kitchen (or bathroom) cost? You have that kind of money to spend?
8. You live in such a fancy building; you must spend a lot on rent (or assessments)? Do you mind me asking how much?
9. Nice purse/shoes/earrings. How much was that? I think I recognize the style; which designer is it?
10. Do you live with your partner? Follow-up if no, why not? I don’t understand since you’ve been together so long.
11. Did your children buy that home (or apartment) on their own or did you or other family members help?
12. How do you and your partner split costs (home, travel, restaurant meals, shows)?
13. I know your parent died recently; did you inherit a lot?
14. I heard you bought a vacation property. Aren’t you afraid you’ll run out of money at your age?
15. Why isn’t your daughter or son married? Do they date? Have a friend or partner? Why not?
16. Why don’t your children have children yet? You must hate not having grandchildren when everyone else does. Do you feel left out of conversations at times?
17. Where are you traveling? Everyone is traveling again these days to Japan, France, Italy, Antarctica, Portugal, Iceland, so I assume you are!
18. Why are you still working (at your age)?
19. Where did your kids go to college? What was their major? What do they do for a living?
20. As writing partners of 37 years, we’re asked repeatedly, “How do two people write together? I don’t understand the process? That we’re happy to share.

Lesson Learned: If you don’t want to be bombarded with questions about anything personal, try not to spill the beans until you are ready to talk, unless you believe that person will keep your confidence. Most are naturally curious, and it’s folly to think a big life change won’t elicit questions. However, know that you can retain control.