Pieces of Our Hearts: A jigsaw puzzle of give and take

“My heart is full of pieces of others’ hearts, and I share pieces of my heart as well,” said Rabbi Rebecca Rosenthal at the 10th anniversary celebration of her tenure at Central Synagogue in New York City where she serves as senior director of youth and family education.  

Pieces of my heart, in Rabbi Rosenthal’s parlance, symbolize the emotional investment one makes in love and relationships—a give and take—the sacrifice of giving a part of oneself to another and what is shared in return. It should never be a tit-for-tat or exact give and take but the key words are sharing and caring for another human being or for many. 

Rabbi Rosenberg is not a superhero, but rather a real person who moves and inspires and is moved and inspired by others to give and take freely from the heart. Doing so is an incredible pleasure, she says. We consider it analogous to inviting someone to your house for dinner and splitting a wonderful meal including a great bottle of wine, sweet desserts and sharing deep thoughts, laughs and conversation. 

Here are other ways we all can give and receive pieces of our hearts which connect us more with others, help us become more caring people and teach others the value of effort. 

Children. They are our heart. Our love for them is unconditional; we’d do almost anything for them. We give them our time, support them emotionally, physically when necessary, and financially if we can. When we were young, we swooped in and tried to fix whatever was wrong. However, as our children grow older, the best we can do is listen and acknowledge their feelings rather than tell them what they should do. We are their best and often vocal cheerleaders. We learn, laugh and cry together. We celebrate milestones together. At times, they tug at our hearts, but we never deny them pieces. In turn, they share with us their stories, successes, sorrows and challenges. At times, they also listen to our stories, sorrows and successes. The result is to offer our hearts unstintingly to each other. 

Family: Family (and good friends) mean the world to us, being there when needed, not counting who does what, asking but also listening, being able to cry, being able to laugh until it hurts, becoming a better person, being brutally honest and flexible. We may not always want to do what they need or suggest but we most always consider it and bend when we can. 

An aging parent. We do what we can to give pieces of our heart to an aging parent. We look out for them, take care of their finances, do all the shopping and arrange for a weekly visits to a hairdresser or manicurist, visit them, drive them to medical and other appointments, help with the proper housing and making the move to another place, clean their homes and clear them out, play cards and games, cook meals, entertain them by reading out loud as their eyesight worsens and just hanging out. We may become exhausted at times physically and other times discouraged emotionally but we keep at this, knowing that it’s the right thing to do given all they did for us. And we know their time is limited. 

A partner, both romantic and business. Listen, learn, trust. surprise, amuse, provoke, enlighten, support, inform and inspire. When told a confidence, we never betray it. And when we reciprocate, we are open to accepting their wishes and needs like a gift. We’ve been most lucky to have this kind of daily relationship as writing partners. The same applies to any relationship. We both are able to open our hearts to make ourselves accountable to ourselves and to each other. 

Friends--long-term, childhood and newer friendships. One of the ways we give pieces of our hearts is to be inclusive and teach by example and to err on the side of including more rather than fewer. We’ve heard as adults from too many friends who felt excluded in childhood from birthday parties, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, sleepovers and so on, and even as adults that this continues to happen. We weren’t invited and sometimes we neglected to include someone. But we learn to do better and try to err on the side of extending an invitation even if we’re not close buds. Maybe, it will come back to us and maybe it won’t, but we will try never to leave someone out…that’s a piece of our hearts our friends can have freely. 

The very close childhood friend. Sharing private memories, just between two people. We can know everything going on in someone’s life and yet know nothing about what’s truly in their heart. When things in our lives go bad, we don’t want 1,000 people, but just one safe place and our one special person who opens her heart. And, in turn, the friend opens hers. Close the curtains, listen and feel, analyze and unload, then mix two stiff drinks and clink glasses that you have each other. 

Unrelated kids. If a teacher, tutor or mentor, children can make remarkable progress when they appreciate that you are in their corner. We share pieces of our hearts by giving them attention, listening, laughing at their jokes, sharing our knowledge (because we have much to learn from them too) and as a teacher or tutor, we try to make accommodations for children who learn differently. We are also mentors who can have a life-long impact. So often we’ve heard a celebrity say, “It was Mrs. P in 5th grade who saw I had talent and urged me to audition for the school play.” A childhood friend may explain, “Mrs. K recognized my learning disability and helped rather than turned her back.” All this can lead to success--better study skills and a love of learning and school and, not surprisingly, grades and attitudes improve across the board. It could also lead to a passion or career. 

Your community: Donating time and money to a cause when funds and your time are tight is rewarding. Opening your heart in these situations adds resources and new tools that can initiate change. You may also open new channels of friendships and find a community of folks with similar values and ideas who share pieces of their hearts with you. 

Strangers. Someone is lying in the street, something you might see in any large city. You stop. Your heart breaks for a person who is in crisis. You find or call a police officer if one is nearby and, if not, you dial 911. If the person is conscious, you might hold their hand, so they know someone is there. Ask about them…their name, how old, what happened, cradle their head with the other hand. Don’t move them. You’ve maybe saved a life. Their appreciation comes back in spades, and it makes you feel so good that you gave your heart to help a stranger. And you will have pieces of their heart forever. 

Perhaps there should be an app for estimating when and how often you’ve opened your heart and adding up the pieces of others’ hearts in return. The result of these calculations is that the pieces of your heart puzzle will be complete. It won’t resemble a perfect unblemished heart all neat and tidy without scars or jagged edges but one made of many experiences that fit together. Thank you Rabbi Rosenthal for sharing your wisdom and heart.