New Beginnings: Changes in Our Lives Can be Challenging, a Bit Destabilizing yet Full of Possibility

New beginnings are inevitable. In nature, change occurs with each season. In our personal lives, changes happen as we move through the various stages of our lives.

Some beginnings have a soft landing, and others can be a seismic shift that can be wonderful or terrifying, expensive or difficult.

Some are generic that are easier to absorb and over which we have control. We may change our hair salon, doctors, grocery store—big and small, specialty food store, library, bookstore, schools, places to walk, parks, clothing, Pilates or yoga studio, shoe repair shop, pharmacy, temple or church, hardware store, art supply, vet, movie theater or other cultural outlets, restaurants or even romantic partners. We could go on more, but we won’t

And there are also those changes that are life altering: getting married, losing a spouse, parent or child; getting divorced or separating, buying a new home, moving to a new city or country, maybe experiencing a serious physical or mental health issue, losing a job, starting a new job or career and a whole lot more. Again, the list is extensive.

On the plus side, a new beginning can be liberating. A chance to start over. Redefine oneself. Experience new adventures. a transcendence of our everyday existence and chance to make new friends. On the downside, major change can leave us shaken, sad, even depressed. But once we get over the shock and pain, it can be a second chance…or a third or fourth depending on how many new beginnings some of us experience..

Since both of us have had major new beginnings—losing our spouses, one to divorce and the other to death, and big moves, we’ve developed a list of tips that helped us cope and adapt to craft a new normal and happy life going forward:

--Stop and evaluate in which direction you want to go. This is where you have control. Lost your job? Rethink your skills and talents perhaps to point you in a different direction. Do something you’ve always wanted to try. Perhaps you always wanted to be an artist or an electrician? Now’s the time. Look at it as a blessing in disguise.

--Move forward to avoid getting stuck. You know you can’t go back. Here’s what Barbara did after her divorce when looking for a place to live. She mapped out her needs. Wherever she moved, it had to have a good library, great food store and independent bookstore. The town she found in New York’s Hudson Valley has in proximity to her home those three things plus a Pilates studio, painting class, good restaurants and good doctors. And what she didn’t know she needed and wanted was great walkability; that was a bonus. For Margaret, although devastated about losing a spouse, she found she had the space and time to try new things, including eventually a new city near family, new activities and new friends.

For some, it might be a chance to join a community orchestra or sports team, go back to school to earn another degree, take cooking classes and learn how to become a pastry chef, rent a small studio and try pottery making.  

--Accept the move and make the best of it. Moving into a new phase of your life can be difficult. If a new home--apartment, condo, or house, this is a new beginning that most of us experience countless times in our lives. Instead of a negative attitude, if a forced move, think about it as a new lease where the possibilities can be limitless. Margaret moved 1,000 miles East—from St. Louis to New York City’s Upper West Side-- to live near her family five years ago, and she’s moved again across Central Park to the East Side where she’s excited to meet new people and try new ventures near her new home. Barbara didn’t find the synagogue she wanted nearby, but she did by taking a class in New York City, and then joined. A distance but it also offers a Zoom service. .

--Be patient. Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to do everything at once to adjust. It takes time. We all make up our must-haves and wants lists and some we will bend on and others we won’t. Take your time to explore and find new places you might like or surprises like a French pastry shop, a needlepoint store, a clothing boutique or well-stocked wine store with regular tastings.

--Consider a new beginning as an adventure that can be linked to your past. Change your thinking and your routine. All change involves parts of our past. Most of us never completely reinvent our lives, but instead carry our pasts forward, taking what we like and shedding what we don’t like. This is a special time to become open to new ideas with a fresh perspective. Barbara got to return East when she moved and help her mother through the older stages of life. Margaret has the chance to live in the same city as her two sisters and one of her sons.   

--Look for the silver lining.  Moving to a small town might not be your first choice but look for the redeeming characteristics. Maybe your new home is walkable to the village, on the water, close to a sports complex or school, if you have school-age children. Maybe the climate is better, or you will find more bang for your buck in housing. Perhaps you’re closer to your grown kids and grandkids. Or maybe there are many more cultural opportunities such as museums, concerts and theater.

--Make new friends; it will help you feel more “at home”.  It’s difficult to say “bye” to old friends and colleagues, if a move or new job, but if a big move, it’s a necessity for your good health to find new friends. Doing so requires work, but it’s worth is. It makes a big change more palatable. We both heaved a huge sigh of relief when we made that first new friend in our new cities. Barbara says, “Someone cared if I got up in the morning. It’s a wonderful feeling to make that connection.” Accept that they may never become your dearest circle, however. A person new in Barbara’s village told her the other day, “I’m lonely.” Barbara replied, “Be patient, you’ll meet people by joining a class here or a gym.”

--Talk to a professional if you’re unhappy and feel unmoored.  If you’re having trouble adjusting to a new beginning, talk it out with a professional who can help you strategize and see the positives in your new situation. It’s tough to accept that along with change might come some discomfort. A therapist can help you get through this..

--Remember to be open minded. It takes time to adjust to any new circumstance, be it a place, event, person. Try not to rush to a conclusion or be prepared to give anything a second or third chance. Go with an open attitude. Before bowing out, give it longer.

No matter where life takes you, try to broaden how you process a new beginning. The challenge of change never ends. It’s up to you to find the joy and the sense of adventure!