Manners, Please: Dust them off and try again, thank you!

Saying “Yes, sir,” “Yes, ma'am,” “Thank you,” “Please,” are just good manners. These phrases of appreciation and respect were drilled into us as kids. However, we wonder if good decorum is a lost art as people nibble and lick their fingers at a buffet, double dip in a dip, let a door slam in your face, refuse to let you merge into traffic, grab the last cookie or bump into you without even saying, “So sorry, please excuse me.” 

We feel it’s time to start a movement to make manners cool again. Hey, they're free, can be used anywhere and the ROI is enormous. The currency is in smiles, pleasant conversation, cooperation and maybe an extra bagel at the bakery. (Margaret can attest to this.) 

Readers, I bet, we are all on the same page. David Brooks, former Op-Ed writer for the New York Times, who departed after 22 years for the Atlantic magazine and a podcast, agrees that manners are a lost art and offers a call to arms. In his farewell column, Time to Say Goodbye, (Jan. 30, 2026),  he quotes British statesman, philosopher and politician, Edmund Burke, who argued, Brooks wrote, that culture, which he called “manners,” is more important than politics and laws. “Upon them, in a great measure, the laws depend,” Burke wrote, according to Brooks. “Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole form and color to our lives.”

Our definition of good manners isn’t about pet peeves, which we’ve written about in prior blogs. Manners are on a more exalted level. They’re not simple annoyances like chewing with your mouth open or butting into a line or hogging the conversation and not coming up for air. They’re also different from etiquette, which refers to a stricter code of behavior, such as which fork to use first or how to dress for a formal event. Good manners are something more lasting that we believe needs to be brought back to everyday life in countless ways, helping to make the world a nicer, kinder, funnier and less stressful place.

So, let’s all get on the bandwagon of ramping up our manners. Start small, maybe saying “please,” when you want to go ahead of someone in a grocery line since you only have one item and they have 10, or lets you grab a cab ahead of them because you’re carrying bags of groceries. You can bump it up to “thank you’s” and “excuse me’s” and on and on. See how this works? It’s easy and can help change the trajectory of human interaction. Bet smiles become part of the conversation.

Here are 13 rules to start the manners momentum for anyone and everyone:

1.     Add in the words “please,” “thank you” and “would you mind?” any time you can. Think of them as a sprinkle of salt—unless that’s off your health plan—and pepper. They add a bit of zest; you’ll notice when they’re used for a richer, nicer flavor or warmer interaction.

2.     Choose kindness rather than meanness. Be inclusive, when possible, don’t talk about an event in front of someone not invited, and certainly don’t try to exclude them on purpose unless numbers really matter. Don’t blurt out, “How could you think or say that?” or “What were you thinking?” Those phrases put the other person on the defensive and make them feel terrible. Reframe your thoughts and don’t forget to say, “Sorry, if I offended you; it wasn’t my intention.”

3.     Use your voice rather than just technology and leave technology to the AI folks. Call a friend whom you’re concerned about or want to congratulate for a job well done, rather than text, which is too easy and lacks the voice and intonation. Email is better than text, but the voice is the best! It’s just a polite thing to do to go the extra mile to show you care.

4.     Remember others’ milestones rather than just yours—a birthday, marital anniversary or anniversary of a major loss such as the death of a spouse, parent or child. You don’t need FB to alert you; jot them down in a little book or calendar of those nearest and dearest. It doesn’t matter if you hit the date exactly, but around that time to make them feel special. If you’re late, so what; call them up and say “I’m so sorry I forgot, but I remembered and wish you all the best” or appropriate words.

5.     Look people in the eye when they talk. Look directly at them rather than around a room for better, more important company. It’s rude, and rudeness has chipped away at civil behavior and manners.

6.     Take complaints to the right source and lower your decibel level. Don’t get annoyed or yell at a waiter or salesperson if you don’t like the food or how they waited on you. Maybe the boss never gave them the proper training. Be kind and go up the metaphorical food chain and say something to the manager or owner first or write an old-fashioned letter.

7.     On the flip side, if their service has been good, be sure to let the server or salesperson know and maybe tell the manager as well. We bet the next time you go into that restaurant or candy shop, you’ll get a freebee.

8.     Never name call. People have feelings. Describing someone as a jerk, stupid, ugly, fat is outright bullying and verbal abuse. And remember two wrongs never make a right. Refrain from doing the same.

9.     Ask permission, whether it’s before you use their name, tell a story that involves them with some personal details such as an illness or share, borrow something or even invite someone where others are involved. It takes a bit more time to do so, but it’s kinder and gentler than taking matters into your own hands.

10.  Get back to people, whether family, friend, doctor or salesperson. We’re not talking about people you don’t know, such as telemarketers, etc., but those who put in the time to reach you. You may not be able to do so in the first 24 or even 48 hours after they try to contact you but try as soon as you can. Not doing so can become passive-aggressive, and that’s outright mean.

11.  Know when and how to say you’re sorry—and mean it. We aren’t always right. We hurt people’s feelings; we can be unintentionally mean and say things that may not be true. Be the big person, and when you’ve done something in that category, fess up and apologize. No excuses allowed, just a direct “I’m sorry” does wonders for relationships of all kinds.

12.  Be compassionate. This covers a wide range of actions from not making fun by name or action of anyone who may talk slower, have cognitive problems, not hear well, not see well, not have money, not have the same education, been taught good manners or other privileges you were lucky to have. We never know the true story. Extend an arm, let the person finish, turn up the volume, pick up a check for a coffee or meal or pay the tip, hear what the person has to say. Such niceties sprinkle magic dust. Also in this category, bring over soup, even if store-bought, or a stack of good magazines to someone lonely or sick.

13.  Avoid overly personal questions, but also answer any without being critical in return. You can always say, “I’ll get back to you,” or “Why might you ask?” or a kind, “I just don’t want to talk about it now.” You may have meant no harm and were just trying to show concern, but everyone has their own timetable and own scale of what’s personal, from “Isn’t your daughter dating anyone?” “Why aren’t you married?” or “How much was that purse?” For some, sharing an address or name might fall into that category.

With manners, practice makes perfect. Next time you are tempted to push your way onto the subway, grab the last chip or pretzel on a plate or shut the door in someone’s face, keep in mind that good manners tend to open doors, not close them.