Lost Friends? Should we reconnect with a Happy Valentine’s Day greeting

They’re not a pair of lost mittens or one sock that disappeared in the dryer that can be replaced or maybe even found. Friends are different. They represent far more--perhaps a long history we shared or a strong relationship over a shorter timeline. 

Regardless of the length of the friendship, they were part of our lives and in our heads and thoughts for some period of time. We probably confided some facts or emotions, told something about ourselves or our family and asked about them and their crew, possibly each time we got together. We most likely traded calls, emails and texts, laughed together, maybe even cried over some sadness in the world or our own lives. We may have traveled together or at least shared meals and museum or movie visits. We may have introduced them to other friends or family since we felt close enough. 

Then in a flash, they disappeared like smoke. Maybe there was a serious disagreement or a slow chipping away of what held us together. We may have realized how different our values were. Maybe we didn’t like how they were always late when we agreed to get together, failed to tip wait staff sufficiently, leaked confidences, talked too much about friends in a disparaging way or bragged too much about their or their kids’ accomplishments. Maybe they even criticized us for what we felt was trivial stuff that should have been ignored. All sorts of reasons account for why friendships end. 

Sometimes there’s an abrupt end on our part. We’re not courageous enough to explain why. In some situations, we simply don’t think it’s worth the effort. So, we step away or start to avoid taking calls, answering emails and texts (called ghosting). If questioned we come up with excuses to skirt the real reasons. If we’re on the receiving end of a friendship dissolving, we may persist initially and finally decide it’s time to give up. The friendship dies until one day we think after a great deal of time, it may be time to resurrect it. We’ve all heard of people who were life-long buds, broke apart and then one was on their deathbed and the two finally came together…briefly. There are famous stories about strained friendships. Read about the rivalry between John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. They were on again and off again until both died within five hours of the other. 

Or explore the fact that Barak Obama beat John McCain in 2008 and then Mitt Romney in 2012, which one Republican loyalist felt enough of a reason to stop talking to a Democrat about everything. Was this really a good reason for this split? Yes, for a period, it was for the one ending the relationship, temporarily. Or was the refusal of a long-time friend to socialize with a friend’s new partner a good cause to stop the friendship? Yes, according to the person eager to introduce her new guy whom she hoped her friend would be happy to meet. She believed the friend would be in her life forever. 

Now it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Maybe view it as a time to toast relationships of all kinds—both platonic and romantic. We rationalize, why not unlock the door a crack to those once in our lives and say, without saying, if you want to come back in, please press the buzzer. We’re open again to this thing called friendship, even if that once seemed out of the question. You can initiate this process by sending a quick email or text and saying, thought of you and wondered how you are doing? They may have no interest any longer. Fine, you tried. 

If you’re hesitant, this Valentine’s Day, think about whether never seeing or having contact with this person again is okay. Does it really make your life so much better? Isn’t there something you’ll miss, even a tiny bit—a shared sense of humor or caring about your kids or knowing your parents? If so, consider sending that email or calling. Figure out what caused the rift and talk about it openly, kindly and honestly. If they request another try or want to disagree, listen and don’t argue. Try to reach a compromise if feasible. If it’s a money thing and they always order the lobster risotto when you’re a burger and fries kind of gal, suggest it’s time to get separate checks rather than not dine together at all or have no contact. That was easy. 

If you cannot reach détente, suggest a temporary break or if need be, a more permanent one. However, you might at least share that you’ve enjoyed your time together. And if possible, broach this idea by saying: Maybe, we’ll be friends again at some point. but just not now.” The other person may not like your approach and decide they’re done with you. Fini. There are always risks in speaking up, be forewarned. But at least each side gets a chance to voice their thoughts and try, if they so desire.

In the meantime, a little Happy Valentine’s Day greeting just might provide the magic more than chocolate or wine.