Know How to Negotiate When It’s Not a Matter of Life or Death: Five Lessons

Negotiating is a little like a portmanteau, a word blending the sounds and combining the meanings of two others. It’s a fusion of two sides into one solution. It’s the way our world works, and it happens every minute of every day, though not all negotiation is successful for everyone involved. 

Whether you’re a high-level diplomat engaged in shuttle diplomacy trying to curtail fighting and killing, securing a price for work to be done on your house, purchasing an apartment and trying to agree on a price or deciding on the tip you and several lunch or dinner mates offer together to reward good, bad or mediocre service, negotiation is key to most transactions. 

To begin any negotiation, know what you want to do or your goal, base it on fact, subjective opinion or a gut feeling, listen to what the other side says or writes if they’re not initially in agreement. At the same time, remain calm and do not get all huffy and puffy about their suggestion or explanation, not step away which does nobody any good, do prioritize your needs as you try to find common ground and finally, most importantly, work toward what’s likely to be a compromise. Yes, compromise.   

Sometimes to reach a deal, you may need to go through the process multiple times, inch by inch, each time giving in a little bit. Sometimes you won’t succeed but will decide you’ve tried. This can be a tragedy when lives are at stake. When it’s a far less important issue, sometimes you’ll decide the effort is not worth more time, blood pressure spikes, arguing or funds. 

The following commonplace examples show how different real-life cases that aren’t a matter of life or death happen every day. They can work out when everyone becomes flexible, gets creative or to quote Hannah Arendt, the German American historian and philosopher, do some “thinking without the railing” and not give up. Within these scenarios there are more than lessons learned on winning and losing. It’s about happy or acceptable endings both or all parties can live with, even if they don’t win per se. And when trying to reach the end we always try to follow Michelle Obama’s mantra of when “they” or the other side goes low, take the high road, which one of us cleverly calls the M.O. Road. 

1. Trip cancellation charge. You decide not to buy trip insurance since it’s so expensive, but then you need to cancel a trip or even two. Is your money completely lost? Not if you come up with a way to negotiate the price down and offer a solution.In one case, the travel agent suggests a $200 charge for all her work; you suggest $100, and you’ll book another trip right away. A win, win. In another case, you cancel a class that was to happen abroad. You read the rules of cancellation, and they are firm. You admit that when you cancel yet still ask if there’s an alternative? The teacher/planner graciously proposes a loss of the nonrefundable part and a credit toward a class next year, Lesson: Try to find an alternative that allows each participant a win.
2. Mattress refund. In your move to your new home, the movers neglect to protect your good mattress with a cover left outside during a sudden rainstorm. The mattress is ruined. You buy a new one, which you know may not be fully covered since the ruined mattress was a few years old. The moving firm offers a check at a price you feel is too low, you suggest another higher price, and the back and forth continues until the company says this is our final and best offer. Lesson: Sometimes you just need to give up to avoid a stalemate. When you know the mattress firm won’t go higher, decide to take the money and run rather than go empty-handed.
3. Bakery credit. A favorite bakery asks if they can put your goodies in a bag. You suggest a box, so they’re not squished—two slices of crumb cake, a Hostess-style cupcake and a sugar cookie in the shape of a hot cocoa cup with whipped cream. It totals a whopping $16 and because they’re so nice you offer a $2 tip. You deliver it to your daughter and later ask how all was, especially the cupcake for her 3-year-old son. “What cupcake?” she asks. The counter employee forgot that and the cookie. You email and ask for a refund on your card or credit for your daughter. The store suggests refunding the two items and removing the tip. Lesson: Nice behavior deserves nice action.You say, “keep the tip” and you buy a gift certificate for your daughter to go in and buy more since the store manager was so accommodating.
4. Tip shakeout. The service was mediocre, the steak not cooked per your request and the broccoli overdone. Yes, you have high standards, but you have compassion for everyone in the service industry. Also, you ate everything on the plate. You spoke up to the wait staff, who shrugged off your complaint rather than offer an apology or complimentary drink or dessert. You decide as a group to leave the full 20% expected but say something to the manager rather than post on Yelp or Trip Advisor and hurt the business. You also decide not to return or at least not so fast. Lesson: You and your friends made a thoughtful decision together and will bring your business elsewhere in the future.
5. Bedtime and more compromises. You’re babysitting for your grands, and you have many issues to negotiate: dinnertime, eating at the table or in front of the screen, what movie to watch, how many to watch and what time to go to bed if all runs past the parents’ suggestion of 8:30 p.m. You start with a discussion. All four--two adults and two kids--get to weigh in. One can’t agree on the movie, so you explain that in a democracy, which we still live in, the majority wins. The meal takes place at the table; the movie choice is decided. But when it’s over, it’s late and again one in the group wants another. You say, “No,” without negotiation, since the two adults have the final say. One child becomes very persuasive—give him credit toward his degree in diplomacy, and you compromise on a short show. Then comes the big negotiation about bedtime, and you put your foot down, again, as one of the adults. You start to cave however when the two charges both say they’re not tired. You and the other adult are exhausted and let them read in bed while you go to sleep. Lesson: Sometimes there are democracies, sometimes autocracies and sometimes people cave because they have no more fight left in them and must sleep.