Is Optimism Always the Best Fix? In some cases, it can be toxic.
Can you be positive all the time? If so, you’re either a saint or the biggest phony on the planet. Positivity is great at the right time and place. Using it indiscriminately can be toxic. For example, it is really disconcerting and, quite frankly, annoying when you tell someone you’re upset that black ants were found in the basement of your new home, and they respond, “That’s no big deal. Just call an exterminator.” Or someone says about an upcoming cataract surgery, “Don’t worry, it’s really a nothing procedure, fast and over in the blink of an eye.” To you, it’s a huge procedure, especially when you’ve never had surgery.
This reaction is called false positivity. Why do we tend to respond this way? Sometimes we don’t know how to react to someone else’s bad news, so we sanitize it, thinking it will make the other person feel better if we comfort them. However, it sends a message that it’s not okay to have negative emotions. Your feelings about the expense of getting rid of the ants or your fear about upcoming eye surgery on your precious eyeballs have been discounted.
This unhealthy and unhelpful conversational exchange with family members’ and friends’ about various ailments, organ recitals, house, car and kid challenges and more, got a head’s up from The New York Times newspaper (July 15, 2019) in a small “tip article” in the Business section written by Anna Goldfarb titled, “Morale boosts, a.k.a. ‘dismissive positivity’” or “toxic positivity,” terms coined by psychotherapist Whitney Goodman.
Goldfarb, the Times tips writer, put it this way, “…it’s better to respond with something that imparts validation and hope,” as well as real, sincere compassion. We’d rather engage in what we term “conversational caring.” Example: “That sucks about your car. Can I come and pick you up, help you call for bids to fix the trouble, and sit with you while it’s being fixed? I’m here if you need to vent or sound out anything.”
A more recent New York Times piece (May 30, 2026) by Lulu Garcia-Navarro, echoed the same sentiment in “Want to ‘Optimize’ Your Happiness? This Happiness Expert Says: Don’t.” Want to ‘Optimize’ Your Happiness? This Happiness Expert Says: Don’t. - The New York Times.
“Happiness Expert,” Laurie Santos, is a cognitive scientist and professor whose class on happiness quickly became the most popular in Yale’s history. She also has a podcast, “The Happiness Lab” and a free online course called “The Science of Well-Being.”
The Times writer, Garcia-Navarro posed this question to Santos: “You used the term ‘toxic positivity.’ You’re referring to this idea that we always need to feel great and exude optimism?”
Santos’ response: “It’s really summed up by the phrase that you see on social media all the time: ‘good vibes only.’ If there are bad vibes, something’s really off. And that just doesn’t make sense from the perspective of evolution. When I talk to my students, the way I often talk about negative emotions is as a signal, just like other negative sensations. You put your hand on a really hot stove; it’s going to hurt. And the reason you have that feeling is it’s a good signal: Get your hand off that stove.”
She continued, “Many of our negative emotions are doing that for us. If I’m feeling lonely, that’s a signal that I need to seek out social connections. A big one for me is that if I’m feeling overwhelmed, that means I have way too much on my plate. If you had good vibes only, you couldn’t live a positive life, because you’d be missing out on these cues about where you’re going off track and what you should change.”
It’s not that we want to complain, be the center of attention, and moan and groan endlessly, but those of us who go to the effort of sharing something physically or emotionally painful would love a response that at least acknowledges what we’re facing and how we might feel. And when someone tells you they’re upset about something, try to be a good listener and avoid offering false positive hope. Instead, try our seven-step prescription (some of these points we outlined in a past blog on this topic in August 2019).
1. Listen carefully. Acknowledge their feelings. “I bet you’re really upset about having to spend more money on your new home to remediate the ant problem.”
2. Listen actively. Repeat back the concern, such as “I’m so sorry you’re nervous about the long recuperation” or “I’m sorry about the expensive house (or car) repair. That sucks. It must be so frustrating for you right now?” Those words show that you’ve listened and really care, giving them space to have their negative feelings.
3. Ask relevant questions. These also show you are listening, care, and want to fully grasp the situation without being intrusive. “What does the operation involve? Are there various options? It sounds like you’ve done your research. I wish you the best.” Avoid some non-sensitive questions that Margaret was asked when her husband was initially diagnosed with cancer: “Did you get a second opinion?” That wasn’t helpful since she had been diligent about doing all they could.
4. Do not minimize their feelings. “Don’t worry about it” or “It could be worse” comes off as dismissive.
5. Be patient and present. Let them know you are available to listen if they need to vent more. Make time to do so if you can.
6. Step up and suggest what you will do to help. This is even better than asking “What may I do to help?” The person with the health, house, car or child challenge already has so much on their plate—and so many decisions to make. Write out or email a list of helpful names, such as your contractor or car mechanic for a second bid, the name of a good tradesperson or doctor or someone who has had the same problem to discover how they handled it.
7. Show your continued support. Check in periodically to see how things are progressing or whether the problem has been resolved. If not, they need your support more, not some lame, panned false positive statement, and if yes, it’s time for a celebratory toast! Most of us are delighted to bring out the champagne or wine, along with some delicious macarons or other sweets.