Internal Monologues: Those Little Conversations with Ourselves

Almost all of us talk to ourselves; they’re the little voices in our heads, where many of our ideas reside, rent free.
 
Sometimes when engaged in these dialogues with ourselves, which is akin to mental journaling, we’re trying to solve a problem, address how we might talk to someone about a sensitive issue, tick off our schedule for the day or a grocery list, make a decision where to meet someone for lunch, practice a speech we’re supposed to give, debate whether to have the family over for dinner and what to serve or how to smooth over an argument with a partner or spouse. 

Some of these conversations might go negative—as in self-flagellation--as we listen to our inner critic tell us how we failed an assignment or “how awful” we look in the mirror as we age. You name it.  

If you find your internal thinking going negative, diversion is a good tactic. Stop, ask yourself if this is helpful and then take at least four deep breaths through the nose and exhale from your mouth by counting to six or eight. Then, try to focus on the positives in your life. 

An article in the New York Times in the “Here to Help” column by Jancee Dunn, (March 27, 2025) suggests talking to “you.” Ethan Kross, director of the Emotional and Self-Control Laboratory at the University of Michigan, says in the piece, “Use ‘you’ on yourself.  It’s a tactic known as distanced self-talk, which can be a powerful way to regulate negative emotions.” 

Here are examples of internal conversations we have had (we did take poetic license to make changes) with ways to shift thinking to solve a problem or handle any issue with a positive spin. 

Internal conversation #1
“Why is this subway going so slow? Naturally, it’s when I’m in hurry. I wish I could change to one of those flying airplanes or have Scotty beam me up, like Leonard Nimoy in Star Trek IV. I can’t be late for my root canal appointment… It’s going to cost thousands out of pocket. I can’t believe my Medicare doesn’t cover dental. And here I am worrying about not making the appointment on time. What a bummer.”

Shift in thinking: “Relax. Fortunately, I allowed extra time for a delay. I’d rather be early than late. The good news is once I get to the root canal specialist and have the procedure, my tooth will no longer be throbbing. And yes, the price will be painful, but I have to do it. The pain kept me up at night. I’ll just do without those great bottles of wine or a number of fancy dinners out to compensate.”

Internal conversation #2
“I need clothing. I never have anything to wear and have to go to  a wedding. Could it be the fact that I haven’t been shopping in a year? I also need new tennis shoes. I hate shopping; it’s painful for me. I have no taste and no patience. I don’t even like shopping online as so many do now. How will I know it will fit and then I’ll have to schlepp to the post office and return it. Some people can walk in a store and spot the best bargains or a fabulous outfit. I can’t do that.” 

Shift in thinking: “My taste isn’t that bad, at least that’s what my one sister told me. Maybe she’d go shopping with me and help. Of course she would. That’s it. I’ll talk to her, set aside the time and the money. And then I’ll have at least one nice outfit. And we’ll make it more fun by having coffee together or a light lunch. Yeah, good idea!” 

Internal conversation #3
“I’m going out with my neighbor tonight. I can’t be negative and complain about money. Oy, the prices I saw on the menu. I’ll order the least expensive entrée or just an appetizer. But of course, I want her to have anything she likes--the lobster bisque or shrimp cocktail to start, the crab cakes for an entrée and a fabulous dessert. I hope she doesn’t notice how little I eat since I have so many things I can’t digest well.”

Shift in thinking: "I don’t want to whine about food allergies in front of a person I barely know. And then the quandary. If I eat so little and she dines on the most expensive, will she expect us to split the check, or can I be tacky and ask initially for separate ones? That’s what I’m going to do, ask for separate checks.” 

Internal Conversation #4
“I’m having three friends over. What can I make? Serve? I have wine. I could bake chocolate brownies. Er, last time I made them they turned into twelve perfect squares of granite. I have so much trouble cooking and baking in my fancy new Italian oven that I inherited from the previous owners of my apartment. Right now, I have so much going on. Do I really have the time to do this?” 

Shift in thinking: “I got a lot done today. So, I do have the time if I make things ahead and freeze them. I make good chocolate chip cookies or lemon bars. They both freeze well. Maybe I’ll use pretty dessert plates I never get to use and lovely cloth napkins. I will also bring in some little salads and some good bread. I’ll get a bunch of flowers to add a more festive air. Yes, that should suffice.”
 
Internal conversation #5
“I can’t find my phone. I thought I left it on the hall table. It isn’t there. I know it didn’t walk away.  I am so sick of misplacing everything. I am turning into a distracted mess. I am so frustrated. And waste so much time.”

Shift in thinking: “Ok. Calm down. I am not going to look for it right now and hope it turns up. I’ll take some time, think carefully about where I might have put it and then start looking again. Last time I did that, I found it in a coat pocket. I can also get a colorful case to put it in to spot it easily and try to leave it always in the same space. Of course, I have to remember that space.”
 
Internal conversation #6
“Should I go to my singing rehearsal tonight. I’m so tired and have no energy. The music is tough, and I didn’t practice. The one opera selection is in Italian, so I have to learn how to pronounce it. It’s so far away…I have to take a bus and a subway. I’m in such a bad mood today, which has nothing to do with the music but so many things. And I’m tired of telling myself to snap out of it when that’s a huge pressure on me.”

Shift in thinking: “…I’ve been home working all day. I would relish learning something new, using my brain to master the Italian and being around some of my singing friends. I’ll go. It will be good for me. Music always does wonders for me, as this group of friends does too. And next week I’ll start practicing sooner so I don’t feel so pressured.”

Internal conversation #7

“I haven’t heard back from that friend I emailed to catch up. Yes, we haven’t been in touch for ages but thought it would be nice. We once had so much fun together and have such a long history. She must really dislike me and is obviously ghosting me. That stinks but oh well. Or maybe I did something wrong.”

Shift in thinking: “Hey, you made a nice gesture and reached out to her. Maybe, she’s got lots going on or is sick. That happens at our age. Maybe, a child or grandchild isn’t well or taking up her time. Or, maybe, she’s on a long trip in a jungle with poor cell service. Or maybe she is ghosting me. I did a nice thing, and the rest is not in my control. And I’m fortunate to have many great friends who do care and want to be in touch. I still may hear back. Not everybody is on their computer or phone all the time!”

Many of us have these tough conversations with ourselves, which can easily turn negative and dark. The shift in thinking won’t happen overnight but with practice we can use our private dialogues to have a positive effect to help make tough circumstances bearable and maybe even challenges surmountable. And who knows we might even come up with a new version of sliced bread or A1.