In It Together: The pros and cons of cliques

Being left out of a group can be excruciating. Trying to fit in can be as formidable as hand-to-hand combat. 

For example, the opera Peter Grimes (by Benjamin Britten), named for a gruff and nasty fisherman living in a fictional small village on the East Anglian coast of England around the year 1830, is about an outsider and emotionally wounded man accused of killing his apprentice, a child from the workhouse. Is he guilty? The answer is ambiguous. Yet he wants nothing more than to fit in with the townsfolk (a collective clique) and imagines this will happen if he becomes rich and marries the lovely schoolteacher Ellen, a widow. He is never accepted and is subject to the group’s unrelenting prejudice, gossip, and mob-like behavior. The opera ends tragically.

This, of course, is an extreme example of a clique’s power and the profound consequences it can bring. Something less tragic and more relatable might be the first day of school. You’re the new kid. You stand in the doorway of the cafeteria, holding your tray, taking in the scene and deciding where to sit. You spot an open seat, saunter over to a table of girls, and ask: “May I sit here?” Someone at the table, squirming like a snake at the request, replies in a flat affect, “No. We’re saving that seat.”

Even adults, new to a school or neighborhood, may feel this as they wait, alone, for their child at a bus stop while the parents of long-time students gab together and laugh. Why didn’t anyone think to walk over, introduce themselves and invite the person in? They could become the best new addition to the group if given a chance.

You’d think that once we moved beyond high school, the need to belong to a clique would dissolve like salt in water. Yet some of those particles linger well into old age. Consider the social dynamics of a senior community, where cliques can form and flourish in the dining hall, during activities, and even among neighbors. Those left outside the circle can feel the sting of rejection just as sharply as they did when they were young. The behavior may seem childish, but for some, the need to exclude and belong can follow you to the grave.

Exclusion is a hallmark of a clique. It’s not a girlfriend group or girl squad organized around shared activities, interests, values, experiences, lifestyles, and goals, where everyone is treated equally. That’s a healthy group.

Cliques are the opposite. They are often small, select groups that offer a false sense of social safety and status. Belonging often depends on conformity—dressing the same, having comparable homes, club memberships, old fraternity or sorority memberships, professions and more. Do so, and you are in, like Flynn. To stay in the clique, members must think alike and present a united front. It’s them and us. Gossip and herd-like behavior are the glue that holds it together, as members huddle and whisper in corners. Some must sit together at meetings and even travel in packs.

Author John Steinbeck addresses clique or group mentality in his novel In Dubious Battle. He writes about an activist trying to organize abused laborers to gain fair wages and working conditions. One character, Doc Burton, who sees a workers’ strike as a sort of ecosystem, says, “A man in a group isn’t himself at all, he’s a cell in an organism that isn’t like him any more than the cells in your body are like you.”  Each of us is an individual, and a healthy group will accept that.

Cliques have some benefits. They offer a sense of belonging; being with the same group can create strong friendships when you do everything together. They are a support system when you’re going through something difficult or traumatic. A tight group can also make social situations more palatable, whether in or out of school. For many students entering college, a sorority or fraternity is a clique that helps members find a place in a new, sometimes scary community of like-minded people. But some never venture beyond meeting others, not like themselves, a huge downside to their own emotional growth.

Moreover, being in a clique with the same people all the time can become boring and stifling, with little room to grow, think and look different. If the dynamics start to bother you, such as exclusion, bullying, or name-calling, it’s time to let go. Other red flags include undue pressure to conform, fear of asserting your independence and the consequences of ridicule or rejection, an us-versus-them mentality, having to choose the group over other friendships or values, feeling anxious about the clique’s dynamics of possessiveness and jealousy or about being kept in your place through fear and threats. It takes a strong backbone to leave. When should you do it? Where should you do it? How should you do it? Are you making a colossal mistake? Fortunately, you hold your own “get out of jail” card.

If you want to leave the clique, do so gradually; you don't need to make a big announcement. Start small by forming new friendships outside the circle and keep those within you genuinely care about. Then become less available to the clique at least some of the time. Don’t participate in activities you dislike. You will get pushback; it will make the other members feel uneasy. No need to explain, but you can say you want to try some new things. You needn’t leave but if you decide to do your due diligence. Before pressing that eject button, make sure you have examined the short- and long-term consequences.

Don’t be surprised if, once you leave the clique, you feel lonely and question your decision. Make no mistake, running from the sweet embrace of a clique can leave a nasty set of footprints: on the extreme, people fabricating stories about you, gossiping behind your back, or making threats to your face.

If leaving the clique leads to threats or any safety concerns, seek help from family, an authority figure or a therapist. Then hit reset and build new relationships. Finding a seat at the table can be difficult, and cliques may offer that security; however, no one should feel they have something to lose by standing up for themselves and others. 

Have you ever been in a clique or excluded from one as a child or adult or witnessed a child or dear friend left out? Please share your story and thoughts.