How to Be a Better Friend (and Acquaintance)

Want to be a better friend? Learn to listen. It’s a skill that requires practice. It’s hard not to insert your comments, questions and suggestions into someone else’s conversation. Maybe they need to vent about a serious problem. At the same time, try to observe. Pay attention. Pick up on the innuendos such as their body language, their mood, expressions and tone in their voice. 

Friendships that are likely to last have to be nurtured. You share problems, try to remember key dates in their lives and check in on them periodically just to ask, “What’s happening?” This is hard to find time to do in our busy, over-extended lives. It requires changing our behavior to be a true friend and usually it’s well worthwhile. 

Whether a long-time friend or relatively new one aka acquaintance, we can show more concern and kindness without expecting much in return… except friendship. The real payoff is having one person or a few friends who care about you greatly and vice versa. This leads to better mental health and happiness on everyone’s part.

Here is our playbook of how to try to be a better friend and person:

Smile when you see someone you know. It’s so much more engaging to be greeted with a smile than a blank look or frown. Most likely you’ll smile back and others around you might follow since a smile can be contagious.

Smile even when you don’t know the person. Walking by someone with a smile is much more pleasant than having a blank or grumpy look from a person who treats you as if you’re invisible. You needn’t overdo it, but a smile is certainly engaging and releases the same good brain chemicals as a hit of rich dark chocolate. 

If you’re stumped on a name or connection with someone you think you know but aren’t sure, simply ask. We may have been introduced multiple times and even had several conversations. But sometimes we see someone out of context—in a fancy dress instead of their Pilates pants, can’t place the person and how they fit into our lives or if they do. Don’t get flummoxed. Ask or introduce yourself and say, “Hi, I’m Barbara, can’t recall your name but know I know you.” Honesty is great. Or say, “Remind me of your name, I’m Margaret and eager to catch up; I must be having a senior moment.” You’ve done the hard part, now it’s on to the fun conversational stuff.

At a certain point in a budding friendship, learn some pertinent data. You don’t have to send a bottle of Veuve Clicquot for a birthday but at least know when theirs is so you can text or say, “Happy Birthday.” Most people love to talk about themselves. So, ask about family without being intrusive or checking if they’re married, divorced, widowed, always single, have one child or a house of 10. If you know even one fact about someone it reveals interest and become an ice breaker. Example, if they have an elderly mom, you can ask how she is, the key is showing interest. More facts will tumble out in future conversations without the person feeling you’ve put them on the stand for a deposition. Again, you’re showing interest, which is what most of us want to different degrees.

Listen better when any friend talks. We’re certainly guilty of multi-tasking but we try not to fumble with something that makes noise in the background, click on our computers during a conversation or rush in with questions. And we know the bad off-putting behavior is picked up by the friend who recognizes we’re not paying full attention and feels discounted. Wait until they finish a sentence to speak, for example, shows respect and caring. We think it’s something others will note and copy in return if they don’t.

Check in periodically. If you hear or learn a friend has had a procedure, at some point check to learn how they are, physically or emotionally. It doesn’t mean asking too many details but showing concern. “I know you were going for a test; did you get the results back?” If they say, no, but express anxiety, follow up with, “May I check back again?” If a friend has an issue with a grown child—or anybody—also inquire if the situation has improved. You’re showing compassion. A few checks don’t mean you’re being nosey but caring. You’re tossing the ball back to them to make the decision if they will share. Don’t be intrusive and ask to hear the results. Let them tell you on their own time if they care to do so.

Be patient if they retreat or disappear. If you don’t hear, don’t get bent out of shape and automatically think they’ve ghosted you, though it happens even among the best of friends. Some people go into hiding when problems surface and don’t want to share the who, what and why. At some point, reach out and inquire gently, “Hope you’re doing OK. It’s been a while since we spoke (emailed or saw one another).” (See our blog on over perseverance to moderate your efforts.) Is everything okay? 

Observe boundaries. We’ve written about this a lot in the past, and the rules remain the same. If you don’t want to talk about something, don’t and you don’t have to answer questions. Try actor Juliana Margolies’ reply from “The Good Wife” TV series of “I’ll get back to you.” Or be honest, “I just don’t want to share what happened. At some point, I may feel different. Hope you understand.” Or maybe they won’t and that’s OK, we think. Let them set their limits and you set yours, and respect each other’s.

With closer friends, develop some kind of schedule to interact. You don’t have to schedule contact as business colleagues do by date and time but sometimes it can be useful in our busier lives. Some friends call every few days or even every day, or definitely every week. Some may be a once-a-month call or visit and some just once a year. 

Barbara’s mother and her sister kept in touch with long regular letters long before email and when there were expensive long-distance calls. Yet, they forged a close bond. The content of the dialogue or written word is far more important in fostering a meaningful friendship. Also, even if you haven’t heard from the close friend, that doesn’t preclude you sending a letter, a card, leaving a voice message of care and concern. Just because you haven’t heard back doesn’t mean you should personalize it. 

With aging or ill friends who may face frequent and complicated ailments, how much or little contact continues requires adjustments over time. A friend diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia may crave the contact as they retreat from certain parts of their life and certain people. Others may want to be out and about much more as they acknowledge how much their life will change down the road. Be in contact but lower your expectations of what they may give back. 

Furthermore, don’t be hesitant to let your friend/friends know why you value them. Be specific—you’re so generous, you’re always there for me, you add sparkle in my life, thanks. Tell them while you can. Write them a note. Send a card. And if you feel your friendship is waning or shifting, ask what works best for them and accept that you’re being a good, better friend by expending some effort.

If a problem with the friendship develops, little or very big, try to correct it before it seems hopeless but both sides have to weigh in. This can be tricky; may require a very blunt honest discussion, an apology or recalibration of the “rules” of your relationship.  Sometimes the best way to be a friend is to take the cue that it may not be possible to salvage it. Then, each of you go on your way. Try to leave the door ajar since sometimes time and different circumstances can mend the bond. After all, you once found something worthy that brought you together.