Have a Secret You Need to Share? Find a Confidence Buddy

After almost 38 years of working together, along with a friendship bond that’s unwavering, we still preface any confidences we share with each other with, “You know not to tell anyone, don’t you?” “Yes, of course,” the other always replies. 

Maybe, we’re superstitious; maybe we simply want to reiterate the importance of not spreading what we tell, or maybe we forget that we’ve said this a gazillion times and just want to be certain the confidence will be kept secret again. 

In any case, we know we can share whatever, from the price we have sold our homes for to challenges we’ve had in our lives with our families and certain friends. On the flip side, sometimes it’s not a problem we seek to relay but something wonderful that we’re not ready to share with anyone, except one person, a special friend or family member—who can keep a confidence. 

Sometimes, we need more than one confidence buddy. Perhaps, we have two or three we can count on for certain types of problems, perhaps, a health issue; another with work-related issues, and a third who lives in our area and knows the daily ins and outs of our lives. Keep the circle small which decreases the chance that the news will spill and spread. 

What’s the litmus test to find those one or three people who are trustworthy? Could be a sibling. A long-time bestie. What about our kids? They are not our peers, so we are selective in what we share. Our problems should not be theirs. They have busy lives and are from a different generation that often thinks differently than we do. 

Here’s our formula of 10 rules for adding and/or finding a confidence buddy. 

1. Know that such a relationship doesn’t spring up overnight but needs to gel slowly over time. You usually have some kind of history; you went to school or camp together; worked together; were or are a neighbor or met on vacation and continued to maintain contact. You have the sixth sense they’ll guard your privacy and thoughts.
2. Ask the right questions and explain the sensitivity of the confidence. Ask: Can you keep a confidence? I would prefer that you not share with anyone. Do you feel the need to tell at least one person such as your partner? Will that spread beyond that person? Can they keep a confidence? Then…
3. Test the waters by sharing something that’s not earth shattering (or make something up) to see if the news leaks. If you feel safe and confident that what you told remains within the other person’s steel trap mouth, you have found a confidant.
4. Decide if the person is a good listener and doesn’t interrupt you until you’re finished. Then you let them fire away with questions. And if you interrupt, learn to avoid doing so, which takes restraint and practice.
5. Don’t choose someone who’s judgmental. The person doesn’t criticize you for whatever you’re confiding in them by remarking, for example, “I can’t believe you’d do that!” You want someone who has compassion and interest in what you’re sharing not telling you their opinion and perhaps pooh-pooing what you say. To you it’s important so it should be to them at least while you’re sharing.
6. Avoid any yes person. If you ask their opinion, you want a truthful answer. Not all cases require the person to offer their assessment or advice, but some situations will, and brutal honesty is important at times.
7. Be sure what you share is never used against you, and if so, you can speak up and weigh your options. You may no longer want to confide. For example, if you’ve revealed that money has become very tight, you don’t want them criticizing you when you tell them about a trip you’re planning to take or a very expensive meal you ate. Maybe some gentle advice is acceptable such as, “Hey, I hear you’re spending a bundle. Have you thought of ways to cut back? I can offer suggestions if you’re interested.”
8. Dropping a confidence buddy is called for if they inadvertently share a confidence and you learn it through a mutual friend or in some other way. You may decide you can never trust them with a confidence, or you might give them a second or third chance. That’s up to you since to err is human, though not with all confidences.
9. If ties break with a confidence buddy, take the high road. No longer buddies? Still maintain those confidences and hope they will too. You just might heal the rift and confide again.
10. Cardinal rule: Keep any confidence to yourself. With certain matters, you may be wise to remember that if you don’t want it shared, even by accident, it may be best to keep your mouth shut in the first place.