Fear of Speaking Up if You’re Hurt, Criticized or Discounted

To Our Readers:

Summertime Schedule 

With summer comes lazy days, a lighter schedule and some much-needed time off. So, from now until September, we will be blogging every other Friday. It will give us a chance to relax under an umbrella at the beach, go for a swim, take a trip, get a facial, mani and pedi, go see a movie, concert or play in the afternoon, enjoy senior discounts at our favorite eateries and retail stores, watch some good shows on Netflix, get into bed with a book, take an afternoon nap, go see a baseball game or two, and then huddle with each other to generate new topics for fall and winter. Before you know it, we’ll back on our weekly schedule, refreshed and eager to share some new ideas with you.  

Have you ever been reluctant to speak to a friend, partner or spouse about an issue that’s troubled you? Maybe they were abrupt with you, yelled at you, criticized you and called you a nasty name, made fun of you, excluded you, didn’t support you or show up when you needed them?  

Most likely, you are nodding your head “yes.” If so, you’re not alone. Many, especially in our vintage, were raised at a time when girls were taught to be silent, polite, sweet. Don’t ruffle feathers or cause conflict. Horrors!

Fortunately, many have found their voices as adults and speak up in political settings, business meetings, during a business transaction, as volunteers, in the home and in our platonic and intimate relationships.

However, as we know, old habits die hard for many. It’s tough, especially for women, to be confrontational with friends or even people we’ve met but barely know. We slink back to our default, which is to suck it up, be silent, sweep any hurt or differences under the rug to help keep peace. Is this healthy to bury the hurt in our heads and hearts? The anger or pain we incur can eat away at us like battery acid. We ruminate and scold ourselves as we debate: Should we have said something in our defense on the spot to get it off our chest? And how should we have said it?

If not resolved, the scenario escalates in our head; our feelings boil over. Then, in an extreme reaction, we might bow out of the relationship rationalizing that despite many positives, we’re better off severing the connection. If not a long-time relationship, it is easier to do. Stepping away is the equivalent of ghosting, which we’ve blogged about before and consider cowardly and extremely rude.  

Mary Sauer who writes for the site www.Amendo.com, offers her solution in one article, “Learning to Speak Up Was the Best Thing for My Friendships.” In the piece she says, “It wasn’t until a decade-long friendship ended that I realized this habit of mine—avoiding speaking up for myself--was harming, not helping my relationships.” Because it had happened with other friendships, she decided to retrain herself to be more authentic.

But how do we each decide whether to try to preserve a relationship by taking a risk, speaking up and accepting the consequences that the relationship may not survive? Or is there a better way? To get some sage advice, we asked Kathleen Fanone, LCSW-C, Psychotherapist; Co-Director of the Baltimore (Maryland) Center for Psychotherapy, for some additional pointers to navigate this tricky terrain. Here’s what she had to say.

Question: Is it better to let one hurt or problem go and address only when it happens repeatedly?

Answer: The process of determining whether you would like to address a problem with someone in your life will depend upon a number of factors. Some people may find it beneficial to consider the following:

How serious is the issue? 

If the problem is minor, it may be ok to let it go, especially if you think the person did not mean to cause harm or it’s unlikely to happen again. If it seems like a one-off mistake, it might be best to offer grace and move on. 

If the problem is serious, i.e., more emotionally charged, it may be better to address it early as containing the emotion can lead to resentment and other feelings that can have a negative impact on the relationship. 

Does this person have the capacity to participate in a reparative process with me? 

Does the other person have the resources to engage in a healthy conversation with me? Can they hold my upset without getting defensive? If our first conversation isn’t what I hoped, can I circle back and try again or ask for something different? 

Is it safe to bring my concerns to this person? 

If your vulnerability results in additional harm {emotional, mental or physical} then you may consider a different method for working through your hurt, such as support from a therapist or a trusted friend. 

Relationships can survive mistakes, but it is far more difficult to survive patterns. If behaviors are repeated, apologies lose meaning when their actions don’t change. 

Q: What would be some of the scenarios that we cannot let slide? Some of us are ultra-sensitive and can be hurt easily. We can’t always voice our upset, or we’d never have friends.

A: What we choose to address with someone is dependent upon a number of factors. What may feel hurtful to one person may be experienced quite differently by another. Some wounds that we should not let slide are emotional, verbal, or physical abuse or neglect. But the means of not letting it slide is often the hard part to discern. It may not be safe to address physical abuse, for example, with your abuser; addressing that may mean seeking help from others.

There are infinite reasons why someone may feel more tender or triggered than others. If you notice that you tend to be more sensitive in relationships in general, it is an opportunity to explore on a deeper level what might be happening for you. Sometimes new hurts are actually old hurts that have been compounded over the years if left unprocessed. 

Q: If you decide to speak up, is it better to email or text so the person has time to digest the idea you’re not happy, maybe, write, “Do you have some time to speak? I want to air a problem I’ve been feeling?” Or is it better just to jump in, phone them or meet in person and clear the air without previously disclosing an issue?

A: There is not a perfect way to initiate a difficult conversation.  Some people send a text or an email first because it feels intimidating to begin in person or because they feel as though the other person would appreciate a heads up. Some people are able to attune to the person in their life and have a sense of how they may appreciate being approached. Regardless of how you initiate, the more important part is to try if it feels safe to do so. 

Q: If you speak up, is this a case when you use “I” rather than “you” statements, and express how whatever was done makes you feel? Is this a situation where it’s not what you say but how you say it? Can you give us some dialogue we could use? 

A: In general, using “I” statements is helpful when you are expressing your experience and how it makes you feel. Some people may respond in a defensive manner if you lead with “you” statements. It may be experienced as accusatory and have the unintended consequence of shutting the conversation down. Rather than processing the information that you are sharing, they may prepare a response from a protective place. 

It is important to mention that sometimes, regardless of how you initiate the conversation, some people will not respond well for myriad reasons. In addition to expressing yourself, the conversation is also an opportunity to learn something about yourself and the other person. Here are some conversation starters:

Calm and Curious Approach: “Hey I wanted to check in about something. When _____ happened, I felt ____. I’m not sure if that was your intention, but I wanted to share how it landed for me.” or “Hey, can we talk about something that has been on my mind? It’s not a huge deal, but it’s worth talking about so I don’t carry it with me.” 

Q: In your experience, what is most likely to happen if you confront an issue rather than let it slide? And if you let it slide, what is it doing to your head? Are there physical consequences i.e., headaches, stomachaches, or emotional ones such as temporary depression resulting from suppressed anger?  

A: A successful reparative experience is possible when both parties are committing to investing in the relationship rather than divesting. Relationships do not require perfection to survive, but they do require growth. Managing conflict in interpersonal relationships is a skill that takes time and effort to develop. 

The impact of unprocessed emotions vary greatly. Yes, trauma and unprocessed wounds are often stored in our bodies and can manifest as depression, anxiety, GI trouble, chronic pain, tension headaches, etc. Research indicates that women are disproportionately diagnosed with autoimmune disorders due to suppressed anger. (https://time.com/6319549/silencing-women-sick-essay/) When we suppress emotion rather than express it, over time we can become less connected to our emotions and our bodies. 

Q: How many relationships will survive this type of hard conversation? Does the result have to do with the personality types of the people involved? A narcissist or very damaged person won’t accept criticism or accept responsibility for what they’ve said or done, so are you wasting your time? Do you walk on eggshells with someone who you think may be depressed and suppress your hurt to avoid hurting them? What about if you have to deal with them with others, again just pretend nothing is wrong?  

A: It is impossible to know whether or not a relationship can weather difficult conversations. If a person has a difficult personality structure as a result of profound trauma, it does not necessarily mean that they will be unable to accept accountability, but it can certainly impact their ability to do so. If you are in a relationship with someone with profound trauma and limited internal resources, you may not be able to have the repair that you desire. Ultimately you need to determine what steps you need to take in your relationships to honor your own feelings and to not abandon yourself in the process. Sometimes the most powerful personal growth is not achieved by “fixing” the relationship but in choosing yourself instead. Sometimes choosing yourself means opting out of the conversation.

More about Kathleen Fanone

Kathleen has worked in both inpatient and outpatient settings with adolescents and adults facing mental health and other emotional challenges. She has extensive experience providing therapy to survivors of trauma, abuse, and neglect. Kathleen’s areas of clinical interest and expertise include depression, anxiety, grief and loss, difficult family systems, vicarious trauma, professional burnout, and chronic illness.