Disappointment: How to turn lemons into lemonade

We’ve all had disappointments from not getting a part in a show, a top grade, an article published or an award; losing a job, getting outbid on a home, rejection from the college of your choice or the perfect career after going through seven or eight interviews. Disappointment sucks, but…there is an upside. Yes, really, there is if you can face the hurt. 

Many famous people had big disappointments before finding success. They lost, got up, dusted themselves off, and with no money, no flint, no plan, went on to achieve.

Here are some notable examples: Michael Bloomberg, fired from Salomon Brothers after a buyout, used his severance to launch a sterling career in finance and fund financial aid at his alma mater Johns Hopkins to the tune of $1.8 billion. Walt Disney was fired from his newspaper job for lacking imagination and went on to build Disneyland. Anna Wintour was fired from Harper’s and became editor-in-chief of Vogue. Madonna, a college dropout, became an entertainment megastar. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her TV job in Baltimore for being “too emotional” and we all know where she landed.  Howard Stern, love him or hate him, was fired from NBC and found success on XM Radio. Stephen King had 30 rejections for the book Carrie, which became his 1974 debut novel, then a landmark 1976 film adaptation and finally a show, and what’s more King has since written 60 bestsellers in various genres. Then there’s Shark Tank’s Mark Cuban, inventor Thomas Edison (dyslexic), physicist (and dyslexic) Albert Einstein…the list goes on and on.

When you are smacked in the face with disappointment, accept the situation, heal, love yourself enough to take a risk and run with a new idea or approach. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to win.

A few folks we know, along with the two of us, weigh in on our biggest disappointments, regrets, and lessons learned. And, of course, there are dozens more in the novels and bios we read, the TV series, operas and shows we watch.

EBS: I will never stop wondering how much farther I could have progressed if I’d gone to art school after high school instead of choosing a liberal arts major, I wasn’t really interested in. It wasn’t until my children were in high school themselves that I finally went back to college for a fine arts degree. At that point, my most influential and respected teacher urged me to go to New York to further my training. I didn’t go, and although I don’t regret putting my family first, I must admit that my biggest regrets are the early choices I made that shortened the available time for me to develop artistically. 

L. One of the biggest disappointments in my life was my second marriage. I remember thinking I was the luckiest woman alive when I met him. I found my person who accepted me for who I was and shared the values that made me the woman I am. After 17 years, I left behind deep friendships and love in a community that nourished my soul and supported me through good and challenging times. I relocated to a new city, and not long after we married, the cracks began to show. Initially, I thought it was because my father died a week before our wedding, and I was overwhelmed with grief. But as time went on, I realized that something was seriously wrong. I wanted to fight for marriage, and so did he, but I realized he was living in a fantasy world. We were married for four years, and the marriage ended 15 years ago.   

What have I learned from it? 

Through therapy, I learned to forgive myself for missing the clues from the beginning of the relationship.  I realize my role in the demise of the marriage more clearly.  I have come to truly understand that people don’t change unless they can see their issues and want to address them.  I have learned more than resilience...  Real friendships, whether they are local or out of town, are a gift and maintaining them is a priority to me.  I have taken ownership of my power, to create a life far richer than I ever imagined because I am living my values every day and pursuing passions that enrich my life and bring me joy!  

NP:  One of my biggest disappointments in recent times was in 2014 when my grandson Antonio, who is today 27 years old, was attending Dalton High School, an excellent private school in Manhattan, on full scholarship and was expelled because of substance use that impaired his ability to perform academically. I was devastated.  Because it was so overwhelmingly painful, I dropped to my knees, asking God to help me cope. I had a conversion experience in 1982 while in my 40’s but didn’t honor my salvation as I should’ve because I was devoted to my family, my career and personal pursuits. I learned that I needed to seek God more faithfully, trust and obey Him more humbly and foster an ongoing, ever-growing relationship with Him, which I have done since then.  

This transformation absolutely changed who I am today. Today, Antonio has his life back on track; he’s a junior in college in San Diego, fully paid by the state, has a good job with future potential and will be traveling to Thailand in May with a lovely young woman who is bringing out the best in him. 

Barbara: Divorced or “dumped” after 31 years of marriage and three moves far from my New York roots, I was devastated. I turned myself into a pretzel to try to make a marriage work for our nuclear family. I cried myself silly, lost weight, bought myself a sexier wardrobe, dated up a storm and found close family and friends who listened, encouraged and helped me to heal. I did so by slowly focusing more on myself, something I had not done after focusing so much energy on him, including changing writing jobs each time we changed cities for his jobs, the epitome of a trailing spouse. When my daughters and mom urged me to return East, I did because I wanted a fresh start. I found an adorable village that offered a haven, penned a favorite book with writing partner Margaret that chronicles both our journeys forward (Suddenly Single after 50), bought a quirky 1797 farmhouse (as more single women were doing) and pursued happiness 2.0. That meant more time for writing, a return to painting, more Pilates, travel with my mom and daughters, new—and old--friendships, a bigger commitment to my religion and a new sweet romance with a fix-up 14 1/2 years ago. Together, we moved to age near one daughter and family, not too far from the other. I now say and believe: things work out as they are meant to, even if it takes years; disappointments aren’t a failure just not a meant-to-last-forever event, and what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger and happier.

Margaret: When my husband died at age 68, all our plans for retirement years (Meg calls them the “payoff years”) went down the tubes faster than you can say ill health. Our kids were finally out of the house, and it was going to be our time, just us, now. We would take classes. Exercise together. Travel. Volunteer. Read. Relax. We’d do our music. Just hang out. I would ride in the golf cart with him when he played and cheer him on. I’d even hit a few. He liked showing me what to do.

And then when he turned 63, he was diagnosed with a blood cancer, a protracted illness that lasted five years. It was touch and go. In and out of the hospital. But I never thought he’d die. I was bereft when he did. Now what? Little did I know that my entire life would change two years after his death. I discovered resilience and strength I didn’t know I had and found that there were still many adventures ahead. I dated for a while and then learned that I could enjoy my own company more. I moved 1,000 miles from St. Louis to New York City to live near my two sisters and my elder son, joined a wonderful temple that meets my spiritual needs and joined some groups and clubs and pursued volunteer work, all activities where I’ve met some wonderful people who’ve welcomed me wholeheartedly as a new friend.

I also found my voice again as I started singing soprano in different venues, and I get to enjoy lots of concerts in halls and parks and Broadway and off-Broadway shows. And I’ve navigated my way all around my new city’s streets and its subway and bus system, a proud achievement for a directionally challenged me. It’s been a wonderful, transformative time I never imagined even 10 years ago.

You can’t fix what happens when you are rejected or disappointed, but you can keep from letting it control your destiny forever.

--First, accept the reality. It hurts. Grieve, cry, scream, hide. Those who indulge in “it’s fine” will cause the hurt to languish. It did matter, so now deal with it as soon as you’re ready but give yourself enough time to feel sorry for yourself.

--Once on the way to healing, it’s time to try again, problem-solve. Ask yourself: what did you learn? What can you change? Do differently? Accept what you can and cannot control.

--Don’t beat yourself up with whys and what you could have done better. You can’t go back. Be accountable. Change the narrative to, you did your best, and because of the failure, you have learned more and are better able to try something new. One disappointment is only one; there will be many opportunities ahead in your life even when you’re older….and wiser. 

--Don’t get more discouraged or feel trapped if there’s another disappointment as you move forward; they will occur again, but you learn to be better at dealing with them.

--If you’re obsessing about your disappointment, talk to someone, whether a friend, family member or therapist who can help you sort out what happened and what’s ahead. It’s important not to get stuck.

--Journal. Writing it out lets you see what happened from a different perspective. Read it several times, then let go of it. Poof. Gone. Closure. Read about others’ disappointments too and how they recovered; these narratives are everywhere—newspapers, magazines, TV, podcasts.

--Keep staying positive. No, you don’t have to be Pollyanna or put your head in the sand. In fact, hold it high. And count your blessings every day, surround yourself with upbeat people and avoid those who are toxic or remind you of your failure(s) or situations that will upset you.

--Think out of the box. Now, what? Don’t push for answers overnight; consider possibilities, weigh pros and cons by reading or hearing about others’ changes. Then, start. Keep pushing when new obstacles arise. At some point, you will find that “Aha” moment of all’s so much better and even good.

As our mothers always told us: Everything happens for a reason. What did you learn about your disappointing situation? More importantly, what did you learn about yourself? None of us knows how life will pan out, but if you don’t learn and try, as painful as it may be, you will never grow, explore all sorts of possibilities, some you never expected and move forward to a brighter, happier time.