Conversational Narcissist: Why in social situations is it always about them?

J.B. walks into a party, sits down at a table of six others and starts to hold court, blathering on about himself, barely stopping to take a breath. He appropriates the conversation, brags and boasts, doesn’t ask questions of anyone else, waxes poetically about his political and other views because, as he lets everyone know, without saying so, he’s the most brilliant person in the room.

Is J.B. a conversational narcissist?  

Yes, according to Sandy Hotchkiss, PsyD, LCSW, a Clinical Social Worker and Psychoanalyst, and author of Why is it Always about You: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism  (published by the Free Press in 2002). Her book is still available in paperback and as an eBook.    

We posted the following questions to Hotchkiss, which are designed to spark honest discussion and give anyone dealing with a conversational narcissist some tools to understand, avoid or escape from the person in a social situation.

Q: When is this behavior considered narcissism? Are there different types of narcissism. What exactly is “conversational narcissism”?   

A (Hotchkiss): I like to say that narcissism has many “flavors,” or presentations. A person may appear shy and self-effacing, as well as gregarious and self-promoting. Both can be defenses against an undeveloped sense of a realistic self that is internally enmeshed with others in ways that do not recognize interpersonal boundaries. 

Q: Do most people have some narcissistic personality traits? Some bandy about the term malignant narcissism? How would you define this?

 A: Narcissism exists on a spectrum in all of us, and the ability to recognize one’s own real accomplishments without craving excessive attention is one example of the healthy end of that continuum. On the far other side, narcissists may demonstrate no empathy for anyone and exploit others ruthlessly. When it borders on sociopathy, it is “malignant.” If one is confronted with someone who seems to be a narcissist, it is helpful to recognize one’s own buttons for this sort of person. Those of us who grew up in families with narcissistic parents or siblings may have a knee-jerk reaction to encountering the familiar dynamics, and it is wise to begin to reflect on one’s own role and characteristic responses in order to be better able to resist being drawn into the narcissistic web. 

Q: A narcissist can be charming and fun to listen to when you first meet. You sort of get trapped in their net and those who come under the spell are caught in it. How does one escape this uncomfortable social situation especially after a few hours or a second or third interaction? Do you ignore, walk away, criticize them? And how will they typically react? 

A: The better you become able to recognize your part in a narcissistic enactment, the less likely you are to get into uncomfortable situations. The goal is to avoid being drawn in in the first place; if you find yourself there, aim to get out as quickly as possible with minimum provocation. Ignoring the other person may have no impact. If you’re lucky, the narcissist will look elsewhere for a feed. If trapped in a social situation, excuse yourself at the earliest opportunity. Criticize? Not a good idea. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.  

Q: Can you give tips about how to take the stage? How can you shift the conversation or can you? 

A: Shift the conversation? You might try joining in and, if you can find an opening, share something that “relates” to what the narcissist is saying. There’s no harm in trying to be kind and relational, but don’t be surprised if the narcissist in question is not interested in actually connecting with you or sharing the attention. Depending on how pervasive the narcissism is, this person may have no real interest in anyone else. 

Q: If someone is in this type of relationship where it’s so one-sided and all about the other person, is it possible to help that person change? If so, how? 

A: From the way this question is posed, it sounds as if you might be wondering if there is a way to  interact with such a person so as to have a corrective impact, or somehow convey your displeasure with their behavior. In general, however, it is never a good idea to confront a narcissist. This is because they are extremely shame-sensitive, and their defense against feeling attacked is likely to be even more unpleasant than their tiresome self-aggrandization.  It is better to avoid this scenario, even if it’s tempting to let them have a piece of your mind. 

I’ve never found it possible to “help a narcissist change.” They are fundamentally uninterested in changing, although they do like to be soothed in order to recover from their narcissistic wounds. But assuming that you may not know the depth of a particular person’s narcissism, you can try to test the water. Does this person care at all about how you think or feel? Is there any possibility of a reciprocal relationship? If you stop meeting their narcissistic needs, what happens? 

Q: Why is it so important to address the topic of narcissism today? 

A: It is important to address the issue of narcissism today because it is so prevalent that we seem to be losing a sense of what is normal and healthy in human interactions. We may find it in nearly every aspect of our lives. You might ask: What does it mean to have “healthy boundaries”? What constitutes a reciprocal relationship? How do we raise children who have a solid sense of self but are also compassionate toward others? There is a concept I learned in my psychoanalytic training called “mutual recognition of subjectivity.” (Jessica Benjamin is a psychoanalyst on the faculty of New York University Postdoctoral Psychology Program.) This refers to the capacity of a person to be aware that others are not our objects, but rather subjects in their own right. When two people can respect one another in this way, unhealthy narcissism can be overcome. 

More to Read about Narcissism. Type in the word “Narcissism” in Amazon books and more than 7,000 titles will pop up. No wonder that one author describes the behavior as an epidemic and uses that in the title. Reading a few books will help you better understand the personality type, which is very difficult to grasp until you’ve experienced their self-absorption, anger, gaslighting and other disturbing actions. As one book said, you cannot cure the person of their ways so run if you want to get out of the web they cast. You can learn to recognize the red flags and step aside when they emerge. 

Here are just 10 books, listed alphabetically by author’s last name.

It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic Behavior by Ramani Durvasula PhD 

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Ramani Durvasula Ph. D 

Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Ramani Durvasula Ph.D 

Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD by Linda Hill 

The Narcissist Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed-in Your Worldby Jeffrey Kluger

The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in An Age of Diminishing Expectations by Christopher Lasch

Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in your Life by Linda Marinez-Lewi 

Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D. 

What Narcissists Don’t Want you to Know: The Secrets of Understanding Narcissism and the Mindset of Toxic People by Elena Miro 

The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean M. Twenge, W. Keith Campbell