Compassion: Selfless Acts That We Can All Practice

How can you help make the world a better place? One way is to show compassion, donating your time and a part of yourself, your energy and spirit to others. It’s defined as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” (Merriam-Webster definition.) 

You see someone crying on a park bench, ask if they are okay. “Is there something I can do?” Perhaps they just want to be alone, vent or need a hug.    

It's encountering a homeless person with a hungry, haunted look. He or she holds out a hand for money. Yes, it can be an annoyance. Stop and think, that could be you. Maybe you smile and say hello, simply being respectful and recognizing him as a human being. Maybe you take a few minutes to talk. Maybe you will give them money. It’s your call. Or you could buy some food and coffee and bring it to them. 

It's an adult who mentors a child without a father. He’s warm, honest, and big-hearted--teaching the child how to behave and hoping he will do good things in life and pay compassion forward.  

It’s the stranger who sees a man lying on the floor of a subway station and comes to the rescue. You don’t feel any breath under his nose. You tell him he will be okay. You look for a police officer or send someone to find one. You search for a pulse and start to do CPR. You wait until the paramedics arrive and maneuver him onto a stretcher. You find out where he’s being taken and maybe go there to check on his progress.  

It’s also being present for a friend who has an illness. You bring her food, books, offer to mow her lawn, write her thank you notes if she’s received flowers and other gifts, talk or sit in silence if needed. 

It's compassion for yourself as well. Accept who you are, that’s more compassionate and forgiving. If you struggled for self-acceptance as a child, and you’ve done well overcoming that hardship, say to yourself, “I’m able to almost accept the old me.” Perhaps look back and realize that you were a good and loyal friend. Perhaps you had compassion for other kids who struggled. Pull up those strengths and use them to be compassionate to yourself…and now to others.  

We’re feeling a need to ask everyone to do their part to be more compassionate. If the world ever needed a huge dose of compassion, now is the time. The world is frankly a mess with so much more fighting, destruction, anger and death. Our country is more divided than it’s been since before the Civil War. People are so outspoken that their views are the right and only views. Nobody holds back, whether it’s about a political party or candidate, a religious belief, a style of dress, hairdo or even how the fish dish at a local restaurant wasn’t what we had hoped for.  

Yes, it’s fine—and even good--to have opinions and sometimes strong ones. We’re entitled to our views, but perhaps we could show and share more compassion in how we express them,  especially with the tone and dial down the rancor that suggests ours are the only right positions. There’s so much we can’t control but at least we can add more compassion in our own small and big ways.  

For those who want to jump on the compassion bandwagon, and there are many of you, here are 12 suggestions we’re trying to follow to bring more compassion into the world. Try to do something compassionate regularly, and you’ll help make the world a better place. 

1.    Listen better. Too many don’t fully heed what another person is saying. They jump right in to correct, counter the view, express their feelings, correct someone’s grammar and argue. Be sure you understand what the other person is saying, which sometimes may mean asking for clarification or more explanation. Listening is a skill and the highest form of compassion.

2.     Voice softer. No need to scream your point of view. Everything said doesn’t have to be at such a high decibel and with a self-righteous tone. Try a softer approach; more will tend to listen even if they won’t agree.

3.     Walk in other peoples’ shoes. Before you, perhaps, go on and on about a purchase, fancy meal, trip, college experience, travels or whatever, think of the circumstances of the person you’re talking with. It might be tacky or hurtful. Maybe they can’t afford such expenses or have nobody to travel with. You can certainly share, but tone it down. Be compassionate that they may not be able to do so, too.

4.    Say something. Don’t disappear if someone has suffered a huge loss of any kind. You may not know what to say but find some words by voice or writing or just buy a card that says better what you want to share. Not telling someone something when they’ve lost a dear one—parent, sibling, spouse, partner, relative of any relation or a pet—is uncompassionate. A few kind words may work miracles.

5.   Be inclusive. Don’t leave someone out deliberately. We all do so occasionally by accident. If you’re debating about inviting someone, add them to the guest list; include them in the birthday gift or on the card; suggest they join you in an outing. Talk to them and ask a question if you’re part of a group and they haven’t spoken up. That makes them feel part of the group and important in the moment.

6.    Do an extra kindness or mitzvah. If someone is sick, go buy or make chicken soup and bring it over. If someone has lost someone, find a time to be together in person or on a call and talk about the loved one they lost. If someone can’t drive at night for a gathering and you can, give them a ride. It’s those extra kindnesses that make you a mensch.

7.    Volunteer. Almost everyone has time to do something to help, whether it’s to teach reading, gardening, baking or baseball. Now at an older age is the time to share those special skills each of us possesses. This is a gift that keeps on giving.

8.    Be less critical or do so constructively. It’s so easy to throw out the complaints—we’re waiting so long to be seated; the hairstylist did an awful job and cut the bangs too short; the person cutting the grass didn’t trim it low enough or trimmed it far too much. Yes, we can all find fault. But maybe before we jump all over someone or badmouth them, we might cut them some slack, share our disappointment gently and see what can be done. Maybe they’re having a difficult day, month or year.

9.    Understand each person’s quirkiness. We all have our idiosyncrasies. Someone talks far too much and hogs the airtime; someone else never offers compliments; someone gossips too much but not in a malicious way; someone seems to suggest they’re so smart and always right; someone never says thank you or writes a note; someone always has a worse illness or challenge than you do or their kids did much better on their SATs. We try to remember that we are all individuals and far from perfect. Don’t purposely hurt someone’s feelings. If the person is truly annoying all the time and doesn’t take cues we offer, we can always speak up kindly, remain silent or no longer be friends. We have choices but we suggest we exercise them compassionately.

10. Don’t count (or try not to). If you’ve invited someone over 10 times and they haven’t reciprocated, maybe there’s a reason. Maybe they have a panic attack at the idea of even offering drinks and store-bought nibbles; maybe they’re embarrassed about their home. Maybe they’re not well and cannot handle the task of entertaining. Or maybe they have no extra discretionary funds. Who knows why? So, either keep inviting, sending the gift with no expectation of receiving one in return or STOP.  When you do a kind deed, do so because you want to, not because you expect a huge return on investment (ROI). Giving is not about being in business, or we hope not.

11. Be aware of what you’re saying and asking. In our book Suddenly Single after 50, we talk about compassion in the questions and responses from people after we each lost a spouse, one of us to death and the other to divorce. Doing an act of kindness shows compassion, but asking intrusive questions is not. The person who has experienced loss is vulnerable. Be respectful of their boundaries and the pain that they’re in. Hold back and be kind. Maybe they will share or perhaps they won’t.

12. Exclude yourself from the storyline. At times, it’s so easy to rush in and share your experience after someone has revealed a sad experience, a difficulty—losing or gaining weight, a challenge—how to deal with a grown child. They’re confiding in you, but you needn’t always rush in to tell what happened to you and how you dealt with the issue. Often that person just wants to share. An exception is if they ask for your input or guidance. 

Being compassionate is a conscious effort. This means taking the time and responsibility for our actions, speaking out against injustice, educating ourselves about local and global issues and becoming involved in something larger than ourselves that has a positive effect on the world and those around us.