Breaking Up With Friends is Hard to Do; Remember, try to be a grown-up in the process

Friendships probably break up more than marital and business relationships do. But unlike those cases, you don’t need to hire a lawyer or divide up the assets when you split from a friend. Without any legal ties, you can reach go on your way and be done with one another.

 Lydia Denworth, journalist and author who writes about friendship and has a newsletter you can sign up for, asks: "How do you know when a friendship has run its course? And how do you handle such a situation with grace rather than ghosting? You can start by considering the following definition of friendship. At a minimum, a good friendship requires three things. The first is that it be long-lasting. To be friends, individuals have to have put in some time together, creating a relationship that is stable and reliable. Friendships must also be positive. They must make both participants feel good. And finally, a friendship requires cooperation and reciprocity. There must be give and take and willingness to help, especially in times of crisis, flowing back and forth." How to end a friendship: Should you address it directly, or simply unsubscribe? - Lydia Denworth, Feb. 21, 2021.

However, ending a friendship, which Denworth calls "unsubscribing," can be a big loss, tricky, disconcerting and sad. Fortunately, there are ways to make the parting less messy, nasty, argumentative and unkind.  

Here’s our playbook for extricating yourself from an unhealthy friendship with 12 points for how to do so as civil thoughtful adults rather than behaving like kids having a playground fight or engaging in a public bar room brawl.

1.  First, decide if you’re really sure you don’t want the person to be a friend. Ask yourself: What are you getting out of the friendship? If you’re tenacious, maybe give the friendship one last try, and definitely ask yourself if you will miss the person in the next year or even five.
2.  Sometimes, a little hiatus or sabbatical from the friend can work wonders for the relationship. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. You suggest the adult equivalent of a time-out. Say: “I think we need some time apart (the equivalent of a separation) and after a few months, let’s talk and see if our relationship is worth salvaging.”
3. Rather than ghost or go radio silent, let the almost former friend know the friendship isn’t working any longer for you. Here, silence is not golden. It’s so much more considerate to do so in a call or face-to-face discussion rather than with no explanation by going MIA, which we consider very immature and disrespectful.
4. Be kind if you engage. You don’t have to recite a laundry list of reasons (you didn’t remember my birthday; you always turned up late or whatever the transgressions or hanging offenses were). Maybe, you simply explain the friendship is no longer working by offering a few examples or at least one. When I really needed you to be by my side when my husband was in the hospital, you said you were too busy. Since you’re retired, it hurt that you couldn’t spare the time when I really need you.
5. If the almost former friend starts arguing or gets defensive, maintain your calm and don’t engage in a back and forth. It’s best if the conversation escalates to politely excuse yourself. Get up and leave before you say something you’ll regret in person or calmly end a call if by phone or text.
6. At all times, remember to be kind, not get nasty and start to criticize or name call. There’s absolutely no reason to sink to a low level.  
7.  Don’t ever talk about the breakup with anyone or share with others anything your friend told you in confidence over the years. That’s disloyal and such secrets were told to you when you were friends. There’s always the chance you may be friends again. We never know.
8. If you shared friends, don’t badmouth the other and worse--ask any mutual friends or acquaintances to take sides. Again, remember you once were friends, and even ex-friends should maintain some loyalty; it’s part of the friend code we think wise.
9. If you run into one another or at the same event, be classy, nod or even smile. You don’t have to converse, but you might say something to the effect, “I hope you are well” and go off to the bar or dessert table. But again, you don’t have to act as if you are still friends, which you are not any longer. But again, be kind.
10. On the other hand, you may run into the person at some future time and each be so happy to see one another and forget why the friendship ended. It’s OK to start it up if you both agree. Just take the friendship slow if you do. It’s possible you each learned something during the time apart.
11. But if you remain nonfriends and you hear through mutual contacts that something bad has happened to the person or if they’re ill or a family member has died, you don’t have to reach out. However, in some cases you may decide it’s a nice thing to do. Put yourself in their shoes and consider how you might feel if the person reached out to you at a time of sadness. It doesn’t mean either of you is trying to restart the friendship; it just means showing care as fellow human beings.
12. Keep in mind that if you are ending a friendship, you are taking care of yourself. There are times when a friendship has become toxic. If it’s someone you grew up with, accept that perhaps both of you have evolved and changed. Maybe what connected the two of you is no longer relevant. And we feel you must end a friendship if the other person is abusive, rude, always late and disregards your time, doesn’t answer your calls, texts and emails and is a narcissist who takes and never gives. 

We always say when doing anything that feels like it could be difficult or confrontational, always be a lady or gentleman. Doing so may make you feel good about how you handled the situation, and the other person might feel okay as well. And the world right now needs more kindness, dignity and adults behaving as adults!