Be Kind. Read the Room to Avoid Oversharing with the Wrong Audience

A friend shared with one of us an uncomfortable situation. She was chatting with two friends, and one was going on and on about her daughter’s upcoming wedding and moaning and groaning about all the events, costs, plans, the lists, the people to invite and leave off.

The other person has a daughter too, but one who’s never dated seriously. We don’t know all the details, so we’re taking some liberties with the background to make our point: our friend felt growing anxiety that the future mother-of-the-bride lacked sensitivity in sharing so much and in complaining about an upcoming happy event.  

One of us has been in groups where a friend or two went on and on about their luxurious, phenomenal trips and the ones planned for years to come. We’re so happy for them, thrilled, especially because they think they’ll be in such excellent condition to travel years from now. We wish we felt that way and knew our finances could handle it, too. Perhaps we can’t travel so nicely, maybe because of funds, health, or commitments back home with aging parents or sinking 401Ks, all sorts of reasons. 

It can be hurtful to hear a conversation that the other person cannot share. We knew, as we watched the facial expressions of those who weren’t the gushing travelers. They were blank or showed only a perfunctory, occasional smile. We know because we’ve been in those situations where we squirm and even feel annoyed. And the sharers never think to stop, take a breath, take another look, pause, see if others want to join in. They go on and on. 

Our original friend, who brought up the wedding conversation, shared a great expression for avoiding such discussions. “You need to ‘read the room.’” We loved that expression because it’s true. 

So, we offer this bit of advice. Before you go on and on about something in a group discussion—your perfect childhood with lots of friends and an intact family with two devoted parents and siblings, your wonderful anniversary plans for your happy marriage of 50 or even now 60 years, your fabulous grandchildren, even your own amazing children and the awesome private schools and camps their kids attend and the trips they take every vacation, your huge happy extended family gatherings without dysfunctional members, your humongous remodeling project for your luxurious vacation house, your experience in averting a dreaded medical condition, your politics or opinion about religion, or whatever--consider the audience! 

Look around the room and think, “Is this the group I want to share all this with?” Test the waters first. You share one sentence, then drop it, and look and listen if others join in. Or you wait until you’re alone with friends you know want to hear all the details and who won’t feel bad about their circumstances because they’re happy for you. Is such censorship inauthentic? We don’t think so. We think it’s being kind. 

And we even think we should temper our comments before reacting to someone else’s medical condition, as those in older brackets face more health challenges, some irreversible. Most feel cataract surgery, hip replacement, Mohs surgery, and even a routine colonoscopy are “no big deal.” Mohs surgery is a highly effective, outpatient procedure used to treat common skin cancers like basal cell and squamous cell carcinomas, often caused by spending too much time in the sun when we were younger and didn’t know better. It’s not like having melanoma, which is a serious and potentially lethal type of skin cancer! A colonoscopy only involves drinking a dreaded concoction for several hours and then having a brief twilight “sleep” during the procedure. And cataract surgery is considered fairly routine but still involves surgery on your eyeball, so to us it’s a huge deal.  

There are scores of other health procedures that others pooh-pooh, such as prostate tests and mammograms. Yet, someone who fears any cutting, any form of anesthesia, any blood, or any imaging and imagines the worst results and themselves dead in a year certainly gets heart palpitations. However, any surgery is a big deal, although some have more risk, pain, and are arduous to recover from. If you’re the recipient of someone’s medical history, just to be safe, keep your opinions to yourself and merely wish them good luck. 

We think a quick take to read the room and consider others present doesn’t require a Ph.D., but simply a quick assessment: Is this the place for a lengthy, detailed discussion about what I’m about to share? Will it offend? 

We all misjudge and make mistakes as we blather on to others since we’re all human in our desire to share about ourselves and connect. But let’s slow down, read the room, and be a tad more considerate when we do so, is what we propose.