Are you Looking? Are you Listening? If so, you might learn something as a silent observer

Two of our most important senses—seeing and hearing-- often get misdirected or not used properly if we want to connect authentically with people. We see what we want to see, and we get so busy talking we don’t listen. We get so caught up in the conversation and the buzz of our own inner voice and thoughts that it makes it easy to ignore what we hear and what’s right in front of our eyes.  

People hurt and want to share. Too often we rush in with solutions or share our tale of woe to mirror theirs. We think we’re showing compassion and building trust that way when, in fact, we’re not listening and end up discounting their message. They want to be heard; they need to be heard.  Or we look at what they’re wearing, driving or carrying—a fancy purse--and fail to see their big frown lines, worse walking, poor balance, stooped over frame. Something is awry and we miss it in the tangle of our own concerns. 

This is difficult to do, but we need to focus on the other person more. When we do, we feel really good about it in most cases. They feel really good about it, too. But how do we stop, listen, see and learn? How do we train ourselves to pay more attention? Here are 10 suggestions. 

1. Be present. Stop what you’re doing, sit down, close your computer, turn off your TV or radio. Put down your book or newspaper. Pay attention to what the other person is trying to tell you. Don’t think about what you want to say next. And don’t try and type on your phone or computer, thinking they won’t hear the tap, tap, tap. Most will, even when their hearing is declining.
2. Pick up on cues; raise your antenna. Not everything is about what’s said. Look at body language and use all your senses to tune into someone else. You might spot something that’s a serious concern—maybe you see a mole that looks suspicious, they are having so much trouble hearing you, slurring their words, showing a blank stare even though they’re looking right at you or have really slowed down and are walking a certain way that might indicate a problem.
3. Turn off your phone. You can’t really effectively listen or observe anyone if the phone is going ping, ping, ping.
4. Find a quiet corner to talk and listen, if in person, that will eliminate any distractions. No playgrounds with children running and yelling, dog park with animals barking, no ambient music in a restaurant with poor acoustics. A quiet corner in a home or a park bench away from noise. If over the phone, find a time when your spouse and kids are out of the house. Put the dog outside. Turn off the music and tell Alexia not to interrupt.
5. Play reporter.Don’t interrupt, however. Don’t be intrusive or ask too many questions (yes, we’re guilty but if you do, stop and wait for an answer before you fire the next one.) Let them talk. Take notes (ask permission) if you need to do so to reinforce that you are hearing what the other person is saying and want to remember an issue with which they might need help or information. Only offer suggestions if you’re asked, which indicates better listening. Say, “May I offer an idea and if you don’t want me to, I’m fine about that.”
6. Look beyond the superficial: how they’re dressed, the way they talk or express themselves, and get to the message that’s the real meat of the issue.
7. Maintain eye contact. Don’t start looking around as if you’re bored or disengaged or want to see who else has entered a room, park, anywhere.
8. Paraphrase what the other person is trying to sayto let them know you are hearing their story correctly.
9. Don’t make it about you. “Oh, I understand because last week I….” If you do so, you cannot listen to them. This is their time totally.
10. Remember you are not there to fix things. You are there as one part of their support system. It’s amazing how much you can learn by being a silent observer and keen listener.

And though it’s about them and not you, if you’ve done a good job, many will pick up on the cues and do the same for you.